Complete Connection Parenting

Today we are going to discuss how to get your children and teens to do chores around the house. Doing chores is a major conflict and problem in many families. First, let’s clarify why your child needs to do chores.

Your child is part of your household. Your child has to learn that as part of a group he has to contribute to that group. In your family, that means helping around the house and doing his chores.

I am going to give you one technique that will help you reduce conflict when it comes to getting chores done. It is quite simple, actually. The idea is to have a scheduled chore time for your entire family.

For example, every day from 4:00-5:00 all the children do their chores…everyone. That means that one child will wash the dishes, one child will fold the laundry, one child will take out the garbage, and so on. Have a special time where no one is doing anything but complete his or her chores.

Having a pre-scheduled chore time cuts down on a lot of conflict. It also provides structure to your home. Everyone knows that when the time comes he has to stop whatever he is doing and complete his chores.

Having a chore time eliminates a lot of the petty complaints. One child won’t say, “Why does he get to watch TV while I have to do the laundry?” Everyone is working at the same time.

If your child does not comply and keep his chore time you can then start using consequences to enforce it.

For example, if from 4:00-5:00 your child is supposed to take out the garbage and the garbage is not taken out, then he can’t play video games until the garbage is taken out. He can’t watch television. There is no dinner. In fact there is no anything else until the garbage is taken out.

We talk about using consequences effectively in a free CD that you can get here: FREE Child Discipline CD.

Getting kids to do chores is one of the conflicts parents have with their difficult defiant children.

Again, your child should do chores because he is part of your household. Your child has to learn that as part of a group he has to contribute to that group and that in your family, that means helping around the house and doing his chores.

This is only one of numerous techniques we have for helping with chores. But this technique alone will help you to get your children to do their chores more easily and with a lot less complaints.

Who is in Control

Who is the boss is the major issue for oppositional defiant children. An ODD child will do everything in his power to show you that he is the boss; not that he is in charge of you, but that you have no control over him.

Parents find this type of power struggle particularly frustrating. If you have an ODD child at home, you know what I am talking about.

What might come as a surprise to you is this…

The reason that it is so frustrating when you get into a power struggle with your oppositional defiant disorder child is that in reality your child is right. You are not in control over him. Any control you have over your child comes through his own willing consent to listen to you, and your oppositional defiant child does not give you this consent.

Why You Have No Control

In most conflicts of will your child has the clear advantage. You are trying to get him to do something, a chore, to go to bed, to turn down the television, and he is trying to resist you

If it is a chore you want done he can sit and not do it. If you wish him to go to bed he is not yet in bed. If it’s the TV, well, it is already loud. He already has what he wants. It’s you that wants the change. That means if nothing happens your child has already won.

In other words, you the parent must initiate a new action or say something different to change the current situation. If you can do this effectively, then you will get what you want. If you don’t do this effectively you will not get what you want.

But your child already has what he wants. He doesn’t have to do anything new. What he is doing now is working for him. He is already not doing the chore or he is still out of bed or the TV is blasting. The burden is on you to make the situation change. And if you can’t come up with anything, then he has already won. He needs to do nothing new. He wins by default.

So when you get into a power struggle with your child you are already losing. In any battle, you have to work must harder than your child does.

That is the first problem. But there is more to it than just this.

Compare your life to your child’s life. You live in a world where bills need to be paid, and the mortgage is due. You may have a project at work or need to get dinner on the table. You have other children who need your help. You have dozens of other things going on at all times that demand your attention.

And your child?

He has no rent, no job, no children. Who do you think can devote more energy to an all out battle? So not only are you already losing any fight you get involved in with your child, but also your child can devote much more of his energy to the conflict to make sure he keeps on winning.

Now it is true, you do have the trump card. You are much bigger and stronger and in many cases you can use your size and power to force compliance. It might be the correct thing to do in certain limited cases. However, this is not a good long term strategy, for a number of reasons.

You can force your child to do things. This can work when your child is young. When your three year old doesn’t want to go to bed, you can pick him up and carry him off to bed. You can also make sure he stays there, though in some cases you may have to hold him there for a while.

When your child is ten, you can still pick him up and make him do things that he may not want to do. It is harder, particularly if he puts up a fight, but in most cases it can be done.

What about if your child is sixteen? If he is sixteen, he might be able to pick you up and put you to bed!

So even though using force is a potential short term option, in the long run it is not going to work for you.

However, that is not the biggest problem.

When you use force, you erode the relationship you have with your child. Your child feels more distant from you. This is bad for you and it is extremely bad for your child.

Your relationship with your child, the bond that you have with each other is the most important thing that you share. You should never do anything that deteriorates that bond.

Using force does just that. It chips away at your relationship until it can become irreparably damaged. So even though there are times when using your superior force may get the immediate task done, it can have very destructive long term effects and it may put you in a position down the road where you are completely helpless to control your teenage child.

Now, it is very important that you reflect upon what has just been said. You must understand that being in a power struggle with your child is a very bad position to be in. Sooner or later you are bound to lose and lose big.

It is true that the child usually initiates the conflict with the parent. However, the parent is the one who keeps it going.

There can be no conflict unless both sides participate. That is why you have to do everything you can to stay in control and not get tricked or trapped into battles that you are inevitably going to lose.

What You Need to Do to Stay in Control

When it comes to conflicts with your child, the most important thing you must remember is not to get sucked in.

Here is the formula you must always remember:

You Argue=You Lose

It is really that simple.

Once you get into a power struggle with your child you are on very shaky ground. You must do everything you can to avoid this.

If you know what to do already, then you are on your way.

If you are tired of the talking back, fighting, and action out and you want to get control of your child’s behavior, then go to:

Child Behavior Help
For children ages 2-11

Teen Behavior Help
For pre-teens and teens ages 12 and older

RESOURCES:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Oppositional Defiant Disorder- ODD screening test

Treating Your Child’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

How to Make Your Child More Responsible

How to Stop Your Child from Arguing with You

Homework and Your Child

Children lie. This is part of their normal development. Throughout childhood, children clarify boundaries by testing limits. Lying is one of the things that they test. Therefore, when your child lies you should not take it personally.

Although some children are capable of deceiving by age four, five years of age is when children commonly experiment with lying. However, lying usually does not signal a serious problem. Unless lying becomes habitual or compulsive, your child will grow out of it.
Problem of Lying

Some children have a greater tendency to lie than others. This is particularly true if the child sees others lie, or where he views lying as a way to protect himself from harm. Certain personality types also have a inclination to lie. Lying hurts the liar. Chronic or habitual liars rarely feel good about themselves. Lying may cause difficulties for the child at school and with their friends. It isolates him from those he loves and may disrupt family life.

Reasons Children Lie

Very young children are not yet able to distinguish fantasy from reality. Children this age have a very active imagination and cannot always differentiate between their imagination and what really happened. Also, children this age often appear to be lying when in actuality they have honestly forgotten what happened.

Around the age of 5 or 6 children develop a better understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality. At this age, children develop a conscience and understand that certain behaviors disappoint their parents. Children also begin to experience feelings of guilt when they do wrong. At this age a child may construct a lie to avoid punishment or disapproval.

By the age of 7 or 8, children can differentiate between fantasy and reality and usually tell the truth. At this age, children lie to avoid punishment or to avoid doing something unpleasant. They also begin to understand the concept of polite social lying. They may lie to spare someone’s feelings. Lies at this age may also be a cry for help. A child who is very fearful or feels overwhelmed by school or some other area of his life, may lie in an attempt to deal with this pressure.

In adolescence, lying begins to take on a new significance. However, when an adolescent lies it is not always a sign of trouble. Teens may lie simply to protect their privacy or to establish their independence. They may also lie in “acceptable situations” such as not to hurt a friend’s feelings or to avoid embarrassment. Of course, a teen may lie to avoid punishment or doing chores, or in order to get something that he can’t get by telling the truth.
How to Prevent Lying
Be a Good Role Model
You are the most important role models for your child.
• Tell the truth. Avoid little white lies.
• Don’t lie to your child to get him to listen to you.
• Keep your word. Always explain and apologize if you must break a promise.
Encourage Truthfulness
• Stress the importance of honesty at
home.
• Let your child know that you value truth.
• Teach your child alternatives to lying.
• Praise your child for telling the truth, particularly in situations where it is difficult for your child.
• Create a safe family environment so that your child can express his feelings.
• Don’t accept excuses for lying.
• Assume your child is telling the truth.
What to Do When Your Child Lies
• Do not ignore lying.
• Give your child a chance to confess.
• Give appropriate consequences for lying.
• Don’t act spontaneously. Think out consequences for lying beforehand.
• Separate the punishment for lying from the punishment for whatever the lie was designed to conceal.
• Have your child apologize.
• Show your child how to repair the lie.
• Don’t lecture.
When Lying is a Problem
The following types of lying may indicate a more serious problem.

An older child or teen that lies:
• To get attention.
• Habitually as a way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers, and friends.
• In order to take advantage of others.
• To hide a more serious problem, such as a drug or alcohol problem.
What to Do About Problem Lying
If a child or adolescent develops a serious and repetitive pattern of lying, then you may need professional help. Have a child or adolescent psychiatrist evaluate your child. Based upon what you find you have several treatment options:
Individual counseling – This is particularly helpful if the lying is a cry for attention.
Family counseling – This is useful for families who feel that trust has been seriously damaged, or in cases where lying is something learned from other family members. Family therapy may be vital when the child lies in order to protect himself from harm.
Group therapy – This form of therapy helps where the child lies as a way of getting attention.
Assessment for a learning disability – Some children lie in order to cover up school difficulties. Lying may be an indication of a learning disability.
Conclusion
Lying is a normal part of childhood and rarely indicates a problem. Addressing lying early and appropriately will help prevent it from becoming a more serious concern. If your child has a difficulty with lying you need to be patient. Your child needs to know you care about him. Your child may have spent years to become a master of distorting the truth, exaggerating, and lying. It will take time for him to change his behavior.