Parenting Mistakes: Giving Rewards

Here is a very common mistake parents make.

It is called:

Giving Rewards

Who hasn’t heard of giving rewards as a way to motivate a child to behave?

This is another great behavioral technique, scientifically proven to be effective 100% of the time… that is, in white rats, guinea pigs, and other small laboratory animals.

The Theory

The idea is a simple one.

Everyone wants to do what benefits him. So if you give rewards for the behavior you wish to see, it will benefit him to behave that way. 

That’s how it is supposed to work, right?

So here is where the system breaks down.

Problem 1: Not Practical

First, often this approach is just not practical.

Sometimes your child just has to behave.  It is the rule and that’s it. There i s no room for negotiation.

When the teacher walks into the class, you can’t expect her to cut a private deal with each of her twenty-five students to get the kids to settle down.

That is not how your child’s world operates.

That’s not how your world operates. When was the last time the IRS sent you a thank you note for not cheating on your taxes?

Problem 2: Your Child in not a Rodent

Another problem is that children are smart.

When you reward kids, they catch on very quickly and start holding out for more. Then the rewards start escalating.

So it might only take a sticker to get 3 year old Jimmy to not ride his tricycle in the street. By the time Jimmy is ten it might cost you a new video game to get him to wear his helmet when he rides his bike. So when he is seventeen what are you going to buy him if he doesn’t drive drunk, a Mustang convertible?

Problem 3: Some Things You Can’t Buy

A third problem is, that when it comes to a naturally defiant child, there just isn’t a big enough reward.

Let’s look at it from Brad’s point of view.

Brad is a twelve-year-old ODD child, who refuses to take out the trash. His parents just decided to improve his behavior by offering rewards for compliance.

So what does Brad get when he obeys?

He gets whatever trinket his parents have agreed to give him. Let’s assume they are astute enough to get him something that Brad will value.

So on the surface the deal makes sense. If Brad takes out the trash for a given period of time he will get something that is of greater value than the inconvenience of taking out the trash.

But it is not just bother and inconvenience that prevents Brad from neglecting the trash.

Every time Brad “forgets” to take out the trash and lets it pile up, he gets the satisfaction of knowing that his parents can’t make him do anything.  He gets the feeling that he is the one in control and that no one can tell him what to do.  He gets to avenge every injustice, either real or imagined, that his parents have ever done to him.

How is Brad’s mom going to top that?

There are just some things that money can’t buy.

These are three reasons why rewards do not work to get ODD children to change their behavior. That is not to say they never work.

If you find something that you want your child to do and it doesn’t matter that much to your child, he’ll do it and take the ice cream cone.

But on big issues… the ones that really bother you, you are not going to be able to buy compliance, at least not for long.

Does that mean you cannot use rewards?

Not exactly.

There is a way to use rewards with your difficult defiant child or teenager, but it is not the way it is usually done.

I will share with you the proper way to use rewards soon.