Today we are going to discuss what to do when your child uses foul language, bad language, or even curses you. Specifically, when you give a consequence, discipline or do something your child does not like, and they curse at you as a response.

You have to understand what your child is trying to achieve.

First of all you told them something he did not like. That means you are exerting your power and control over your child and his natural response is to:

(1) resent you and try to attack you, and

(2) try to show he has control over you in some aspect.

That is what the foul language, bad language, or cursing achieves.

It shows, first of all, that it expresses his anger in you. Second, he controls what comes out of his mouth and you don’t. It gives him an air of control where you have no control.

The way you handle this problem is to recognize what your child is trying to do and do not get sucked in. You do not get drawn into a battle. You do not respond at this point, and you do not let your child suck you into an argument or respond really in any way.

You want to maintain your dignity and control of the situation.

For example, let’s say your child comes home late and misses curfew, your consequence is for the next week, the next couple of days, or the next couple of times he has got to be home an hour earlier. He gets angry and curses at you. You say, “Nevertheless, for the next week, you have got to be home an hour early” and you walk away.

You do not get dragged into battle. You do not say, “How dare you curse at me.” You do not get involved in any way at all in what he said.

That does not mean you let it go. You can come back later at a different time and say, “You know you cursed at me yesterday, you cursed at me an hour ago, two hours ago. You are not allowed to do that and there is a consequence for that also” and then you give a consequence for cursing.

Do not let the cursing, the bad talk, the bad language, or the anger of your child get you off track. Your child’s goal is to exert his power, exert his control and to show you that he has something over you. Do not let him get away with it.

Stay in control, stay in focus, keep on topic, and at a later time when things are calm, go back and address the cursing or the bad language. Do not let it go. Do not say you are giving in. Don’t do anything other than stay on track now and make sure you address it later.

Cotton Candy Friends: 6 Ways Net-Gen Connections are Changing
by Vanessa Van Petten

I am (maybe unfortunately) a Facebook Kid. I was one of the first on Facebook, as Emory was in the second round of entries after the Ivy League Schools. It was so exciting (still is often times) I could ‘friend’ the hot guy from poli sci, ‘poke’ the hot guy from the party this weekend and spy on my boyfriend’s exes pics.

Now that I am out of college, I am able to remember (and by remember I mean I get a reminder each morning) all of my friends’ birthdays, contact semi-friends in San Fran when I go for the weekend and keep up on the fact that my peeps in New York just went to an Aerosmith concert.

Great, so how does this serve me other than keeping up on pretty superficial (albeit sometimes interesting friendships)? In the last week I have gotten calls from numerous college friends who are depressed because they have no ‘real friends.’

The teen (and 20 something) social interaction right now is like cotton candy, its fun and tasty for a little while, but after two hours you are hungry for real food, real connection.

My teen intern wrote a fabulous article on how Facebook is changing the definition of friendship and this is my follow-up article on this important issue.

1) Possessive- “When you get cotton candy, you want it all to yourself…or you better get your share”
I have noticed that my friends and I are getting increasingly catty and possessive. Even my typically laid back and carefree guy friends are saying things like: “Why did you post on Sam’s wall? And not on mine?” Social networks make it much easier to keep tabs on each other and be possessive of the friends you have.

2) Useless- “Cotton Candy has no nutritional value”
Ok, so you know your friend went pee twice today (seriously some of the stuff people put on is totally gross). Many of the social applications, widgets, profile boxes and wall posts are somewhat fun, but mostly a waste of time.

3) Numbing- “Have you ever noticed, after a few bites cotton candy doesn’t taste so good, but you finish it anyway?”
In college, ok even still now, I get up and check Facebook first thing. You get in the habit of mindlessly skimming through your friend’s newly updated photos, Facebook master notifications and new groups. After a while you do it, because you HAVE TO STAY IN THE LOOP, not because you are actually interested. There is even more pressure now to stay connected…literally.

4) Superficial- “The second you put cotton candy in your mouth it dissolves, there really isn’t even anything to swallow.”
Even though you are getting 87 updates per day from your ‘closest friends’ widget you are not really getting to know them. You might know a thousand hobbies, interests, favorite movies, which soccer mom you would be (check out my Facebook profile), but you cannot learn how they feel about their family, their self-esteem or what their friend’s values are. The truth is, our generation is truly lacking deep connection with our friends and sometimes even our significant others.

5) Misleading- “I always think cotton candy will fill me up or tide me over until dinner, I am always hungry right afterwards.”
You really do think you are in touch with your friends. I think, well I know my friend is in a relationship, she just went to his beach house this weekend, no need to call, I am ‘up’ on her life. It is easy to fall into the trap of “I know what they are doing and what they like, so I have connected with them”. It takes a few sessions with my teens to get them to realize that this is not actually true friendship.

6) Breakable- “Have you tried to eat cotton candy in the wind? No, right? That’s because cotton candy can’t exist in wind.”
We are constantly afraid that a wrong comment, misguided poke or unintentional post might offend or alienate us from our Facebook groups or friends. Because the relationships are entirely based upon likes and dislikes and status updates, they can be easily broken by an awkward real life interaction or infrequent posting. This can be stressful and anxiety provoking for us.

I run groups for cliques of girls to talk about their friendship issues, personal issues and overall strengthen their connection and it is shocking how often social networks are brought into the discussion.

I have to discuss the idea of cotton candy friends and that the ‘void’ or insecurity they are feeling in their relationships is most likely due to these seemingly real, but actually superficial friendships. Please start talking to your kids about this issue and see if they start seeing the patterns, I often find that once they realize this is going on, they can take steps to develop better relations with a few key friends.

I said I am in a quarterlife crisis. This is semi-true, I miss my friends. All of my friends live far away and it gets very lonely just relying on the phone (and Facebook) to connect with them. I wonder if it is difficult for me to make friends in Los Angeles because I am so used to online connections or there really is no one here I click with?

This article is on loan from Radical Parenting

Registration for the intensive coaching workshop for parents of difficult children and teens is now open. But before you go to register I want you to take your time to go through this message.

Although there are only 30 spots open and 18912 parents are seeing this message the same time that you are, I am pretty sure that the program won’t fill up before this afternoon, so there is no pressure. Depending when you see this message you should still have a few hours so there is plenty of time.

If you need to you can watch the video again or read this information page before you make up you mind.

Let’s go through some of the details of the program:

This 6 week intensive coaching workshop is going to be an extremely interactive and personalized. We are going to go in depth on critical parenting issues such as:

     •  Getting compliance
     •  Using consequences correctly and effectively
     •  Getting your child to obey you
     •  Staying in control
     •  Getting homework done
     •  Other school issues
     •  Getting chores done

We will also tackle other extremely difficult behavioral issues such as:

     •  Lying
     •  Talking back
     •  Stealing
     •  Disrespect
     •  Ending anger

and so on.

Also, because we are keeping the group small, this coaching workshop is going to be an extremely interactive and personalized. That means we are going to deal with what is going on in your home.

There will be plenty of time for questions and answers.

There are going to be four groups.

For Parents of Teens ages 12 and older, there will be a group meeting by telephone conference on Tuesdays at 9:15pm EST. There will be a second group meeting by telephone conference on Tuesdays 8:00 GMT. This program begins on November 24.

For parents of children ages 2-11 there will be a group meeting by telephone conference on Wednesdays at 9:15 pm EST. A second group will meet by telephone conference on Wednesdays at 8:00 pm GMT. This program begins on November 25.

The conference calls will be recorded so that even if you miss a call you will get access to all the information.

One more thing; When I say that the workshop is intensive, I am referring to the results, not the amount of work involved on your part. If you are struggling with a difficult child or teen at home, this workshop is going to save you lots of time and lots of energy. And it is going to be easy for you to do. Getting the changes you want will seem almost effortless.

There are two reasons I am doing this coaching workshop.

First, right now even if you could find a program like in your area this it would cost you in the area of $1000 – $1500 to enroll. I think that is out of reach for many parents who really need this. That’s why I have made this program extremely affordable and created a payment plan.

Secondly, the holidays are coming. This should be a happy time. But if you have a difficult child or teen at home it can be a horrendous time. This program will change that for you.

So here is what you need to do:

     1.  Select which program and time best meets your needs
     2.   Click on that link

That’s it.

_________________________________________________________________________________

For Parents of children 2-11:

Click Here for Group Meeting:

Wednesdays at 9:15 pm EST

Click Here for Group Meeting:

Wednesdays at 8:00 pm GMT

For Parents of Teens 12 and older:

Click Here for Group Meeting:

Tuesdays at 9:15 pm EST

Click Here for Group Meeting:

Tuesdays at 8:00 pm GMT

________________________________________________________________________

You will be taken to the enrollment page for that program.

I am looking forward meeting with you and working with you for the next 6 weeks.

So I’ll talk to you again next week.

Warmly,

Anthony Kane, MD