Today we are going to discuss what happens when your significant other or your ex-spouse undermines your discipline plans and your discipline programs. This is a very common problem, because as you know in our society today we have a tremendously high divorce rate, there is a lot of single parenting, and, generally speaking, parents who got divorced don’t really get along so well and don’t see the things the same way. So, you have a lot of situations and a lot of questions about parents who have tried to implement discipline program and their ex-husband/ex-wife undermines them.
So, let me give you a scenario and show you how to handle it. Let’s say, for example, your son Bob who is 10 years old is not behaving so well, and he wants to get a DVD set or an Xbox.
You say, “Look, Bob, you are not behaving well. You are not listening at school. You are not going to school. You are fighting and arguing at home. I will not get you an Xbox until I see a real change in your behavior.”
Then your ex-husband goes ahead and buys him an Xbox, undermining everything you’ve set up. How do you handle that?
Well, the first thing you do is you don’t complain to your son about what your ex-husband did.
“I can’t believe he did that! I set the rule, and he undermined me”.
You don’t complain. Once you complain about what the other side has done, you undermine your effectiveness and you show that you are powerless.
The best way to handle this is this is by saying something like this.
“You know, Bob, I’m really glad your father bought you this, and it’s good that you have it. Of course, you can’t use here, in our house, until I see that you get up for school on time, or I see that you help with the laundry, or I see you do your homework,” or whatever criteria you set up originally.
The one thing you want to do is to show your child that you can hold your ground. When you hold your ground, it shows that you have the power, and you are the parent, and you are in charge, which is what you must always maintain.
One more thing to remember: You are not your child’s friends; you are your child’s parent. Children have friends, and children have parents. You cannot be both. So, you want to hold your ground, you want to show that you are effective and that you have your power. You can be happy that the child got the thing he wanted, but he just can’t use it here until he does what you said.
