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We discussed earlier that the way parents are taught to give rewards does not work with ODD kids. Here is an example of how to use rewards effectively.
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Let’s take the example of Cindy, a twelve or thirteen year old defiant girl who hates folding the laundry. You happen to be at home and are running out of time, your husband is coming home, dinner is not ready and you have a pile of laundry to fold.
One way to do it, and the way people are usually taught to do it, is to go to Cindy and say “Cindy, I am really in a bind with the laundry and I need your help to fold it. Let’s work this out. I know you want this DVD. If you fold the laundry I will call your father and have him bring a DVD home on the way home from work.”
That is a straight business deal. You do the work and you get the reward. That is how people who teach parenting teach to give rewards. The problem with this method is that Cindy will now evaluate the situation, she is sitting around watching soap operas or talking to her friends. She will decide if it is worth a DVD. The answer will be yes, or no. This is a straight business deal.
One of the things you have done with this method is fixed the price for folding laundry.
Folding laundry equals one DVD. You will never get away with less than that for folding laundry. That is the problem with that approach, and it is the way most people were taught how to do it.
The proper way of using rewards should go like this: Same scenario, Cindy 12 or 13, hates laundry, you are stuck and your husband is coming home.
You go to the door and say “Cindy, I am really in a bind. I got home late from work today, I have to make dinner and your father is coming home. Nothing is ready. The laundry is up to the ceiling. Could you please help me out and do me a favor? Would you mind stopping what you are doing and please help me fold the laundry?”
She may do it or not do it, but what you are doing right now is appealing to her sense of fairness, her sense of reason. You are appealing to the mature teenager inside with a plea for help. Most people, unless there is something really pressing, will respond to that. When she is done, you can go up and say “Cindy, I am so grateful to you for helping so much. I really appreciate it. I want to show you my appreciation. I am going to call your father and have him bring that DVD home that you’ve been wanting to get for so long.”
Same situation, same scenario, same child, same DVD. But here is the big difference: in the first case the DVD was payment for work. Is it worth it or is it not? In the second case the DVD was not a payment at all. The payment you gave your child was the appreciation for the help and also the right to be the one in control in making decisions.
This is pure gold for an ODD child. They love being in control. By acting this way you not only gave them control but you also showed an emotional appreciation, which is something that you cannot buy with money. Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It helps you. It helps your child and it builds a wonderful relationship.
What was the DVD? The DVD was just a symbol of your appreciation, just a thank you. But the real reward was the appreciation and that is what builds a good relationship with your child and makes everything run smoothly in your family.
The next time your daughter has to do something, or you want your daughter to do something, ask her the same way and you give your appreciation. The DVD is a trinket, maybe she will get it or maybe she won’t. It is a nice thing but it is not the motivating factor.
That is how you use rewards to build a relationship with your child, to get compliance, and to get your child to feel like she is the one in control and more mature. This is the key in helping improve your child’s behavior as well as your parent-child relationship.
That technique actually works.If they believe they have a little more control then things will start to smooth out.
What would you do if Cindy still said no?
Very good information. Will pass along to my girlfriend.
Mom has trouble sleeping. Dogs live in laundry room pooped in floor. 12 y/o son wakes mom up to tell her instead of just cleaning it up. They both own one dog. Mom tells him to clean up half which he did! I tried to explain to him that it would have been good for him to have just cleaned it up without waking her rather than just clean half. He locked onto “she told me to clean up half” and did not even hear me. How would you reward this?
I expect my children to help out around the house age-appropriately, and I don’t bribe them (scenerio #1). They receive thanks and sometimes a small treat for helping. My ODD child is most likely to say “no” or complain about having to help or will do an incomplete job. I end up ordering him to help, which I know isn;t the right approach but I don’t know any option. Help.
I liked this video. It makes sense. Thank you:)
That was good, but what if she just flat out says no to helping, then what, let her have her way?
If she refuses then you try one of the many other techniques discussed on this blog.
There is nothing that works every time for every situation. The point of this whole site is to give you more ideas to try so that you can find things that work with your particular child.