Today we are going to discuss a very important principle on getting your child to behave better. This principle is replacing bad behavior with good behavior.
Let’s say your child smashes walls, talks back, yells or has tantrums. Or your child does all sorts of things that bother you and even some things that harm you. One response is to say to your child, “you are not allowed to do that”.
You can also punish the behavior or give consequences to your child for the behavior. But whatever your choice, you are missing the point of why your child is behaving inappropriately.
Very often children do not know how to behave properly. They have a tantrum, smash the door, yell, argue, or even talk back because these are the only techniques they know how to use. These are the only tools they have to use to respond to the situation.
They do not know what the appropriate behavior is, so punishing your child, telling them not to do it is not going to have the desired effect. What you have to do is replace the bad behavior with the good behavior you are expecting.
For example, when your child gets angry he smashes doors. So the question is how he can better handle himself when he gets angry. If he is old enough, one technique you can teach him is to go to his room, write down on paper why he is angry, and give it to you. This is a healthier and more appropriate response.
Instead of talking back, he can take five minutes to himself, then come back to talk to you at a different time. This is an appropriate way of handling the behavior. Now of course you cannot give your child this advice in the middle of an incident. You have to discuss this with your child when he or she is calm and the incident is over.
Speak to your child about how to handle the situation better the next time. When you do this, you will be giving your child some very important tools and techniques for the rest of his life. This is how to behave better in a socially acceptable and appropriate manner.
This really is your job as a parent. It is to teach your child how to behave better and to become a better, well functioning child, teenager, and eventually an adult.
Thank you. I enjoy your refreshing perspective and hope many people watch your movies.
Persistent so-called “bad” behaviour is often the result of the child not receiving sufficient attention to and care for her feelings and needs. It may also pertain to the parent not being clear in themselves in terms of providing right-for-evolution guidance. When neither self-awareness nor attention to needs and feelings are commonplace in a home, the child finds excruciating ways to convey her inner disharmony. Being an intelligent and creative being who knows that having these needs met by a solid support system is her birthright, she will relentlessly seek and test out increasingly effective ways to draw attention to her ungrounded situation. Chronic behaviours such as acting out, whining, tantrums, hitting, shouting and aggression are big alarm bells for the parent – calls out requesting increased connection to a grounded leader.
A child stifled by a parent who unconsciously sticks to surface remedial action — to control and stop the outward expression — will continue to find creative ways to wake the parent up to awareness of the unattended to needs burning inside. This pattern of negative attention-getting behaviour coupled with the parent’s surface-level thwarting of the outward behaviour is a viscous cycle of “Plumber Parenting” > > persistently focused on patching leaks rather than consciously connecting and tuning-in to something deeper and greater.