Who is in Control
Who is the boss is the major issue for oppositional defiant children. An ODD child will do everything in his power to show you that he is the boss; not that he is in charge of you, but that you have no control over him.
Parents find this type of power struggle particularly frustrating. If you have an ODD child at home, you know what I am talking about.
What might come as a surprise to you is this…
The reason that it is so frustrating when you get into a power struggle with your oppositional defiant disorder child is that in reality your child is right. You are not in control over him. Any control you have over your child comes through his own willing consent to listen to you, and your oppositional defiant child does not give you this consent.
Why You Have No Control
In most conflicts of will your child has the clear advantage. You are trying to get him to do something, a chore, to go to bed, to turn down the television, and he is trying to resist you
If it is a chore you want done he can sit and not do it. If you wish him to go to bed he is not yet in bed. If it’s the TV, well, it is already loud. He already has what he wants. It’s you that wants the change. That means if nothing happens your child has already won.
In other words, you the parent must initiate a new action or say something different to change the current situation. If you can do this effectively, then you will get what you want. If you don’t do this effectively you will not get what you want.
But your child already has what he wants. He doesn’t have to do anything new. What he is doing now is working for him. He is already not doing the chore or he is still out of bed or the TV is blasting. The burden is on you to make the situation change. And if you can’t come up with anything, then he has already won. He needs to do nothing new. He wins by default.
So when you get into a power struggle with your child you are already losing. In any battle, you have to work must harder than your child does.
That is the first problem. But there is more to it than just this.
Compare your life to your child’s life. You live in a world where bills need to be paid, and the mortgage is due. You may have a project at work or need to get dinner on the table. You have other children who need your help. You have dozens of other things going on at all times that demand your attention.
And your child?
He has no rent, no job, no children. Who do you think can devote more energy to an all out battle? So not only are you already losing any fight you get involved in with your child, but also your child can devote much more of his energy to the conflict to make sure he keeps on winning.
Now it is true, you do have the trump card. You are much bigger and stronger and in many cases you can use your size and power to force compliance. It might be the correct thing to do in certain limited cases. However, this is not a good long term strategy, for a number of reasons.
You can force your child to do things. This can work when your child is young. When your three year old doesn’t want to go to bed, you can pick him up and carry him off to bed. You can also make sure he stays there, though in some cases you may have to hold him there for a while.
When your child is ten, you can still pick him up and make him do things that he may not want to do. It is harder, particularly if he puts up a fight, but in most cases it can be done.
What about if your child is sixteen? If he is sixteen, he might be able to pick you up and put you to bed!
So even though using force is a potential short term option, in the long run it is not going to work for you.
However, that is not the biggest problem.
When you use force, you erode the relationship you have with your child. Your child feels more distant from you. This is bad for you and it is extremely bad for your child.
Your relationship with your child, the bond that you have with each other is the most important thing that you share. You should never do anything that deteriorates that bond.
Using force does just that. It chips away at your relationship until it can become irreparably damaged. So even though there are times when using your superior force may get the immediate task done, it can have very destructive long term effects and it may put you in a position down the road where you are completely helpless to control your teenage child.
Now, it is very important that you reflect upon what has just been said. You must understand that being in a power struggle with your child is a very bad position to be in. Sooner or later you are bound to lose and lose big.
It is true that the child usually initiates the conflict with the parent. However, the parent is the one who keeps it going.
There can be no conflict unless both sides participate. That is why you have to do everything you can to stay in control and not get tricked or trapped into battles that you are inevitably going to lose.
What You Need to Do to Stay in Control
When it comes to conflicts with your child, the most important thing you must remember is not to get sucked in.
Here is the formula you must always remember:
You Argue=You Lose
It is really that simple.
Once you get into a power struggle with your child you are on very shaky ground. You must do everything you can to avoid this.
If you know what to do already, then you are on your way.
If not, then I suggest you subscribe to the free “Parenting with Control” e-Letter series.
These are the types of issues we will be discussing.
To subscribe, go to:
“Parenting with Control” e-Letter series
RESOURCES:
Oppositional Defiant Disorder- ODD screening test
Treating Your Child’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
How to Make Your Child More Responsible
How to Stop Your Child from Arguing with You
