Today we are going to discuss the importance of being firm and clear with your child.
I know a lot of parents have problems with this. We all want our children to like us as well as love us. We want to be our children’s friend and be buddies with our children.
This is really a problem because it is not your job as a parent to be a friend to your child. It is your job to be a parent to your child. Children need to know that you are an authority figure, the authority figure in your house. You, as a parent, have to act that way.
Your children need that from you.
What you want to do is give firm and clear directions. Do not ask or use an asking voice. Give firm and definitive directions in a firm voice.
For example, your rule in the house is that your children cannot watch television until the dishes are cleaned up or until homework is completed. You do not say this to your children, “Oh, come on honey please? You know you are supposed to do your homework first before you watch television.”
What this does is it establishes your child to be on an equal setting with you. You are the parent, so this is very bad for the child. You want to go to your child and say the following, “Honey, the rule is no television until the dishes are done.” You then turn the television off and you walk away.
You can also say this, “Honey, the rule is no television until you finish your homework.” You then turn the TV off and you walk away. The main thing is that you walk away and do not get involved in conversations, arguments, debates, excuses, or anything else of that nature.
You have made a firm, clear, straight statement, then you disengage and walk away. This establishes you as the authority.
If a child has ODD, or is a defiant child, he is going to be compelled to respond if you stand around and wait for explanations or for responses. You state your opinion firmly, clearly and do not get involved in power struggles like making sure they make eye contact, make sure they are listening.
If it is clear they hear you that is good enough. You just state your opinion and walk away and that maintains you as the authority figure to get what is done.
Now it is very important that you use this and have very clear, defined rules, particularly when it comes to house rules that you want to maintain. What time bed time is for your children. When your children can watch television. When they can have treats, snacks, or anything you feel is vitally important to your household running.
If you think your children have to obey you should use this type of technique. Be clear, firm, disengage, walk away, and be non-emotional. Do not get stuck in debates or discussions because that will just suck your child in and will put you in a much weaker position as a parent and authority figure.
This is Doctor Anthony Kane with the Complete Connection Parenting Program. If you would like to have the one word you can use to control any argument you may have with your child or and put you in the position of power and control, please come to our website at ccparenting dot com and there you will find that word and you will sign up for our free newsletter.
Great information! I firmly believe it what you have here and wish most parents would respect this logic. Unfortunatley I am dealing with outside parent interaction that believes in the “best friend” idiology of parenting.
I am also dealing with teachers and coaches that believe that befriending my teenagers and enabling them is helpful as well. Even conversing with these outside influences does not seem to help, but knowing that I am not the only parent out there that believes in being firm.