How Boundaries Negate The Need For Child Discipline

by Kim Patrick

Children love having boundaries, although they would never admit it to an adult. Boundaries actually help kids to feel more secure. This means they don’t have to be guessing about how their parents will react to something because they always know in advance. You see the rules are clearly defined. These children display self control more readily and will happily take responsibility because they understand the reasons behind what parents do.

The end result of having good boundaries is that the child reaches a certain level of freedom through this responsibility. The parent will bestow more freedom on the child knowing that they will be able to handle it wisely. And as a child is given more freedom they begin to take on even more responsibility. Then, when they prove to be trustworthy they achieve even more freedom within limits. And this is the key. Once a child realizes this, they can move forward at whatever pace they want in life.

Every child moves at a different rate and some kids do find it difficult to handle freedom and responsibility. That is why you need to deal with each child on their own merits. My eldest two boys are 16 months apart but my younger one is more responsible than his older brother. So I am obliged to extend more freedom to him because he has earned it.

Think about what happens when a person enters into the work force. It is not the oldest person who gets the promotion but the best qualified person for the job. Now I never make a big deal of things to my kids, but I will entrust them with the level of responsibility that has been earned by them through their faithfulness or lack thereof. Even if it was my 10 year old being the most faithful, she would be given the most freedom, providing she didn’t abuse the privilege.

The bottom line is that when we have good boundaries for our kids this helps negate the need for child discipline and makes life easier for both ourselves and our children.

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Kim Patrick is a single mum with four children who lives on the Sunshine Coast of Queensland, Australia. She is a seminar speaker, parenting coach, author and also runs an online mentoring program to empower parents to raise their children well.

Kim’s latest creation is the “My Sleeping Angel” CD series aimed at facilitating behavioral changes in children while they are asleep. These CDs have earned her national television recognition as well as much media attention. Kim’s web site is http://www.yourchildcanbehave.com .

By Vanessa Van Petten

1) There are no ‘perfect parents’, formulas, easy answers or a ‘right’ way to parent.  There is a right way for your family, you have to constantly strive to find it.

2) Live the You-Them-You Perspective. Learning to see how the other side feels is one of the most difficult ideas to master.  Adopting this yourself and teaching your kids to think about their needs and then other’s needs is a wonderful way to teach children gratitude and perspective.  We hope to give you tools to do this.

3) Constantly challenge what we think we know.  ‘Radical’ means to question the status quo and what isn’t working.  This is how we grow as a family and as human beings.  Find your mirror, whether it is our blog, a radical parenting friend, or your spouse to examine patterns and habits that are not working.

4) Stay open-minded. We never know what another person is really thinking.  Parents and kids who remain open-minded and open to suggestions have less fights, resentment and guilt.

5) Guilt is not a tool we use. This is a hard one, but we will always try to help you end guilt cycles and passive aggressiveness—help us too!

6) Communicate the hard stuff. Maintain and push for open and honest communication even if it is difficult to say or hear.

7) Abundance in love. You can never express your love for your family members too much.

8 ) Regular weekly Family Bonding Time.  Spending quality (not necessarily) quantity time with your family is essential to working out issues, forming bonds and getting to know the unique needs of your family.

9) Monthly Family Check-Ins.  Having one family check-in per month and at each family check-in filling out a family sheet for each family member and making new family goals.  This is a way for you to become accountable to each other and help other family members achieve their goals.

10) Asking for help from your community.  Ask for help from friends, family or other Radical Parent Community members when you need it, you do not have to be alone.  Start your own Radical Parenting Support Group.

This article is on loan from Radical Parenting

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Television and Behavior Problems In Kids
by Kim Patrick

Anyone else have problems with the television and getting ready for school in the mornings? Should we make a rule that there is no television before school each week day, or should we just leave it up to our kids to figure out how to organize themselves?

This is a question that many parents struggle with. So what is the answer? It will be different for each individual family. I have a sister with three kids, ranging in ages from 14 years down to 9 years. She has the television on all morning while the kids are getting ready for school. It works for her. Her kids are motivated and understand what they have to do each morning before leaving. In that situation it works well.

My kids are a different story. When the television is on my kids are always watching it. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that we had no television for six months, and when we got it back they were a bit excited. Anyhow, it is harder for me to use the same tactic as my sister does because it simply doesn’t work with my children.

My kids and I had a family meeting and chatted about the best way to do things in the mornings. We decided that if they could get organised well in the mornings for one week without the television, we would let them try with the television again. So we gave it a go. After one week they were given the privilege of television again and I started to observe.

It has been a couple of weeks since I reinstated that privilege and I noticed that this morning none of my children did their chores (now I’m talking just three minutes of drying dishes here, not half an hour of cleaning). I also observed my 10 year old daughter watching television despite the fact that she had homework due in this today that wasn’t finished. I gave her a couple of gentle reminders but to no avail.

Now I know that she will get a consequence at school for not doing the homework, but I am also not happy with her choices so I will have to make a few changes in order to help her out a little. Just as well it is family meeting day again today. We will discuss the issue of getting organised before school and everyone can have their say about how they think mornings should be handled. Then, after everyone has spoken we will all agree together on the best possible way to “do mornings” well.

This way the kids are having input and they are very likely to abide by it. It is important to give your child some amount of freedom and give them opportunities to try to do things right. This helps develop many skills for life. If you always lay down the law you actually deprive them of learning opportunities. When you let children try and fail they learn perseverance, patience, and self control, all of which are necessary in the adult world.

The verdict is in: do what works for your family with the television in the mornings. If something doesn’t work, try another way until you get what is right for your family dynamics. And don’t be afraid to change tactics. Just communicate what you are doing with your kids all the way and you will have less behavior problems with them in the mornings.

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Kim Patrick is a single mum with four children who lives on the Sunshine Coast of Queensland, Australia. She is a seminar speaker, parenting coach, author and also runs an online mentoring program to empower parents to raise their children well.
Kim’s latest creation is the “My Sleeping Angel” CD series aimed at facilitating behavioural changes in children while they are asleep. These CDs have earned her national television recognition as well as much media attention. Kim’s web site is http://www.yourchildcanbehave.com .