The One Word that Will Allow You to:

• Control Any Argument with Your Child or Teen
• Give You Authority
• Command and Demand Respect
• Increase Your Dignity
• Show Your Child or Teenager that You’re the One Who’s in Control

When your child argues with you, it can:

*    Destroy your authority
*    Erode respect
*    Frustrate you
*    Leave you feeling helpless, not knowing what to do

Even if you get your way, the mere fact that you need to
argue with your child takes away from your position as the
parent, the one in charge.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can maintain control even when your child is arguing with
you.  And you can do this with one word….

The word is ‘and’…

Here is how it works:

Let’s say that your child is arguing with you about something.

Let your child state his case without interrupting.  If your
child is really heated up about the issue he may go on and on.
You can tell that he is out of ammunition when he starts to repeat himself.

Once your child has finished venting, now it is your turn.

You reply in a three part sentence.

In part one you address your child by name and restate your
child’s position.  This establishes that you are listening.

Part two is the word ‘and’.  The word ‘and’ is better than
‘but’ because ‘but’ implies conflict where the word ‘and’
does not.

In reality you are not in conflict.  You both want what is
best for your child.  You just have different opinions of
what that is.

Part three is what you want your child to do and that he is
expected to comply.  There is no further discussion on the
point, no further debate, and no negotiating on the matter.

How is your child going to respond to this approach?

He is going to hate it. Your child will be upset, he will
argue, he may scream about how unfair you are.  However,
the most you ever do is to restate your original three part
statement.

There is no negotiating and explanations here.  You may even
leave the room if you need to do so.  Just don’t get sucked
into an argument.

So this is what it sounds like:

“Mom, you are so unfair.  All my friends are going away
skiing in Vermont this weekend and you are not letting me go.”

“Yes, Suzie, you feel that I am being unfair not letting you
go and I maintain that you don’t go.”

“I can’t stand it.  You are treating me like a little child.
Why can’t I go?”

“I understand Suzie that you feel that I am treating you like
a child and I am refusing to let you go.”

“I hate you. You let Brad do anything he wants but you never
let me do anything.”

“I understand, Suzie, that you feel that I let your older
brother do things and I don’t let you do them and I am saying
you cannot go.  Now please excuse me.  I need to go to the
kitchen to get dinner ready.”

Is this going to work every time?  No.  Nothing will work every
time.  There is no magic here.  However, what will happen is
that you will not get side tracked onto other issues.

You will walk away from these confrontations feeling empowered
and dignified, rather than feeling like a worn out rag.

The power of this strategy is that even when it doesn’t make
a bad situation good, it does make it better than it would be
if you get sucked into the conflict.

Another great thing about this approach is that it works for
all ages.  You can begin using this approach as soon as your
child is old enough to talk back and continue using it until
your child is old enough to move out of the house.

Warmly,

Anthony Kane, MD

Please place your comments below and let me know how you like this

If you would like to have a quick step-by-step plan on how to end your child’s difficult
behavior forever and your child is between the ages of 2 and 11:

Please go to:

How to Improve Your Child’s Behavior

If your child is a teenager or even a preteen, there is a new excellent program designed to
help you with your child.

Go to:

The Complete Connection Parenting Teen Behavior Program

There are ways to use rewards that will work with 
Oppositional Defiant Disorder and difficult children, 
but it is not the way it is usually taught.

Most parenting programs use rewards as a tradeoff. You 
encourage good behavior by buying it. This works with some 
kids, but just not a child like yours.

But there is a very effective way to use rewards even with 
ODD children.

Here it is….

Rather than using rewards as a trade off, you can use them 
as a way to reinforce good behavior once it occurs.

Here is how it works:

Let’s say you are running behind and you need to get 
dinner ready and fold the laundry, but there is just not
time to do both.

Cindy, your preteen daughter is around and doesn’t appear too 
busy. But Cindy doesn’t like folding laundry. However, 
you happen to know that there is a certain DVD she wants 
you to rent.

So you can approach this two ways.

The first is the straight reward for compliance approach.

“Cindy, I really need help with the laundry. I’ll tell 
you what. You know that DVD you want us to get? If you 
help me out by folding the laundry I’ll call Dad and ask 
him to pick it up on the way home.”

There it is, a straight business deal. Now Cindy has to 
decide if it is worth a DVD to bother with the laundry or 
if she would rather do something else.

Here is the way you can use rewards to help you.

The same scenario but this time your approach is a bit 
different.

“Cindy, I am really stuck. Your father is coming home 
soon and need to get dinner on the table. Would you be 
able to take a few minutes and help me by folding the 
laundry?”

Here you are making a plea for help. You are making a one 
time request, appealing to your child’s sense of good and 
giving her the chance and the choice on her own to be the 
hero.

It is much more likely that she will help than in the first case.

When Cindy finishes you say to her,

“Cindy, you’re a life saver. I really appreciate you coming 
through for me when I need you. I want to do something 
nice for you. How about it if I call your father and ask 
him on the way home to pick up that DVD you wanted to see?”

Here is the major difference between the two approaches.

In the first case, the DVD is the pay off. It is a 
straight business deal.

Whether Cindy says yes or no, it is a cold calculated decision 
based upon her perceived value of a DVD.

It will have no ramifications for future compliance 
except for the fact that you have fixed the price of 
laundry folding to be one DVD.

You will not get away with less than that ever again.

In the second case, you also paid for her help. But you 
bought it with your appreciation.

Now appreciation is a wonderful thing. You feel great 
when you give it. Your daughter feels wonderful when she 
receives it and at the end of it all you feel closer to each other.

You should be ready to pay your daughter with appreciation 
all day long.

The DVD became a token symbol of that appreciation, but it 
wasn’t the currency.

In addition to receiving the appreciation and the DVD, 
Cindy might begin to realize that when she obeys you and 
helps you, that on occasion she might receive surprise 
gifts.

She is much more likely to help in the future because 
there will be a big emotional payoff and an occasional 
tangible surprise.

Plus, if you couch your request in such a way that it makes 
her feel good about helping and lets her be in charge, it no 
longer becomes a question of who is in control or who is the 
boss.

If you use this very simple approach slowly and often, then 
you will see some really big changes in behavior over a period of 
time.

But more than that you will strengthen your relationship 
with your son or daughter, which is a reward for both of you.

This is something that neither one of you can buy.

Who is in Control

Who is the boss is the major issue for oppositional defiant children. An ODD child will do everything in his power to show you that he is the boss; not that he is in charge of you, but that you have no control over him.

Parents find this type of power struggle particularly frustrating. If you have an ODD child at home, you know what I am talking about.

What might come as a surprise to you is this…

The reason that it is so frustrating when you get into a power struggle with your oppositional defiant disorder child is that in reality your child is right. You are not in control over him. Any control you have over your child comes through his own willing consent to listen to you, and your oppositional defiant child does not give you this consent.

Why You Have No Control

In most conflicts of will your child has the clear advantage. You are trying to get him to do something, a chore, to go to bed, to turn down the television, and he is trying to resist you

If it is a chore you want done he can sit and not do it. If you wish him to go to bed he is not yet in bed. If it’s the TV, well, it is already loud. He already has what he wants. It’s you that wants the change. That means if nothing happens your child has already won.

In other words, you the parent must initiate a new action or say something different to change the current situation. If you can do this effectively, then you will get what you want. If you don’t do this effectively you will not get what you want.

But your child already has what he wants. He doesn’t have to do anything new. What he is doing now is working for him. He is already not doing the chore or he is still out of bed or the TV is blasting. The burden is on you to make the situation change. And if you can’t come up with anything, then he has already won. He needs to do nothing new. He wins by default.

So when you get into a power struggle with your child you are already losing. In any battle, you have to work must harder than your child does.

That is the first problem. But there is more to it than just this.

Compare your life to your child’s life. You live in a world where bills need to be paid, and the mortgage is due. You may have a project at work or need to get dinner on the table. You have other children who need your help. You have dozens of other things going on at all times that demand your attention.

And your child?

He has no rent, no job, no children. Who do you think can devote more energy to an all out battle? So not only are you already losing any fight you get involved in with your child, but also your child can devote much more of his energy to the conflict to make sure he keeps on winning.

Now it is true, you do have the trump card. You are much bigger and stronger and in many cases you can use your size and power to force compliance. It might be the correct thing to do in certain limited cases. However, this is not a good long term strategy, for a number of reasons.

You can force your child to do things. This can work when your child is young. When your three year old doesn’t want to go to bed, you can pick him up and carry him off to bed. You can also make sure he stays there, though in some cases you may have to hold him there for a while.

When your child is ten, you can still pick him up and make him do things that he may not want to do. It is harder, particularly if he puts up a fight, but in most cases it can be done.

What about if your child is sixteen? If he is sixteen, he might be able to pick you up and put you to bed!

So even though using force is a potential short term option, in the long run it is not going to work for you.

However, that is not the biggest problem.

When you use force, you erode the relationship you have with your child. Your child feels more distant from you. This is bad for you and it is extremely bad for your child.

Your relationship with your child, the bond that you have with each other is the most important thing that you share. You should never do anything that deteriorates that bond.

Using force does just that. It chips away at your relationship until it can become irreparably damaged. So even though there are times when using your superior force may get the immediate task done, it can have very destructive long term effects and it may put you in a position down the road where you are completely helpless to control your teenage child.

Now, it is very important that you reflect upon what has just been said. You must understand that being in a power struggle with your child is a very bad position to be in. Sooner or later you are bound to lose and lose big.

It is true that the child usually initiates the conflict with the parent. However, the parent is the one who keeps it going.

There can be no conflict unless both sides participate. That is why you have to do everything you can to stay in control and not get tricked or trapped into battles that you are inevitably going to lose.

What You Need to Do to Stay in Control

When it comes to conflicts with your child, the most important thing you must remember is not to get sucked in.

Here is the formula you must always remember:

You Argue=You Lose

It is really that simple.

Once you get into a power struggle with your child you are on very shaky ground. You must do everything you can to avoid this.

If you know what to do already, then you are on your way.

If not, then I suggest you subscribe to the free “Parenting with Control” e-Letter series.

These are the types of issues we will be discussing.

To subscribe, go to:

“Parenting with Control” e-Letter series

RESOURCES:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Oppositional Defiant Disorder- ODD screening test

Treating Your Child’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

How to Make Your Child More Responsible

How to Stop Your Child from Arguing with You

Homework and Your Child

The most important thing that you can do to get your child to comply with your wishes is to build up your relationship.

Children have a natural desire to please their parents.  This is true when they are young and it is also true when they become teenagers. Even adults have a need and desire to gain approval from their parents.

You can use what nature has given you as a way to help your child to do what you ask.

Now, if children want so much to have their parents’ approval, why is it that so many of them just won’t listen?

The reason is that other factors get in the way. For an ODD or difficult child probably the biggest reason they defy adults is that they resent the subordination they feel toward the adult. They just don’t want to be dominated by anyone and they won’t take orders no matter how much sense it makes and even if it is for their own benefit.

For an ODD child, the issue is who is in control, and almost everything else is secondary.

With such a child, getting them to obey is a major task. You can’t make them do anything. The more you try, the more they will fight you.

So how do you get such a child to listen to you?

You can’t force your ODD child to obey you. But you can get your ODD child to want to obey you.

You do this proactively, by developing and using your relationship.

Developing and strengthening a positive relationship with your child has numerous benefits:

• You will be happier
• Your child will be happier
• You will enjoy your time together much more
• You will reduce the amount of fighting and arguing
• Your child will be much less likely to get into serious trouble.

Over the next few weeks we will be discussing a number of things you can do that will help you get your child to cooperate with you.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a childhood psychiatric disruptive behavior disorder.

ODD children typically are aggressive toward others.  They tend to intentionally bother and irritate those around them.  In addition, these children rebel against authority and will refuse to obey instructions for no particular reason.  Oppositional Defiant Disorder children cause a lot of problems for those around them and are particularly difficult for parents, teachers, and other adults whose position demands obedience and authority.

Oppositional defiant children have trouble taking responsibility for their actions.  Every problem, obstacle, or setback is always someone else’s fault.  These children are stubborn and continually test limits.  They frequently and unpredictably get angry, throw tantrums, and try the patience of those around them.  ODD children break rules and refuse to take direction, even early in childhood.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder children tend to be manipulative.  They are quite skilled at causing conflict all around them.  They are very good at pitting adults against each other.  Often an ODD child in the home will turn parent against parent, parents against teachers, and induce discord in those around them.

In short, ODD children:
• Easily lose their temper
• Constantly argue with adults
• Refuse to carry out requests
• Won’t obey rules
• Intentionally bother those around them
• Continually test limits and authority
• Refuse to accept responsibility for their own mistakes or misbehavior
• Are easily annoyed
• Frequently get angered, resentful, spiteful, or vindictive.
• Are mean when upset
• Take revenge when they feel wronged
• Throw temper tantrums even when older

There are a number of drug interventions that are used to treat ODD children.  The focus of these drugs is to treat the other conditions that often accompany Oppositional Defiant Disorder in the hope that the ODD will also improve.  However, to date, there is still no proven medical treatment that addresses Oppositional Defiant Disorder directly.

At this time, the primary way to treat Oppositional Defiant Disorder is through parent training programs.  These programs are extremely effective in improving defiant behavior and are the only effective way to deal directly with ODD.

The main problem with parent training programs is that they are extremely expensive.  Usually these programs are led by a psychologist or another mental health professional, last many months, and can carry a price tag of several thousands dollars.   However, parents who have the money and are willing to spend it, find that these programs do make a difference.

However, a new study now suggests that parents have a better option.

Recently, researchers at Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago tested three different ways of administering parent training programs.  The purpose of the study was to determine if a professionally directed parent training program was more effective than a self-administered home based program in treating Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).  They studied 117 parents who received either  psychologist led parent training, nurse led parent training, or a home based self-administered parent training program.

The results were quite significant.  Even one year after the study, all three groups of parents had significant improvement in their homes.  However, it didn’t matter which group the parents were in.  They all experienced about the same amount of improvement.  The only significant difference was in the length of time parents enrolled in the program.  Those who spend more time, got significantly better results.

What this study means for you is that you don’t need to shell out thousands of dollars to get the help you need for your ODD child.  You can get the same results in a much more cost effective way, by enrolling in an online program, such as How to Improve Your Child’s Behavior for children ages 2-12 or in How to Handle Your Difficult Defiant Teenager for children 12 and older.

The main thing is that you must use a program that is designed to give you step by step instructions.  It is important to note that this study did not show that just books on parenting help at all.

References and Resources:
Treating Oppositional Defiant Disorder in Primary Care: A Comparison of Three Models
How to Improve Your Child’s Behavior for children ages 2-12
How to Handle Your Difficult Defiant Teenager for children ages 2-12
ODD Screening Test
Treating Your Child’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
“Parenting with Control” e-Letter series