Comments for Complete Connection Parenting Community Blog

Comment on Your Child and the ‘F’ Word by Sonia

Sonia — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:05:27 +0000

Thank you Kelly Elder! The info on Clearplay is AWESOME!!! Thanks so much!

Comment on Signaling by admin

admin — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 08:23:52 +0000

If you wait until your child is having a melt down then nothing is going to work- that goes for your normal children also. You have to catch it before the meltdown begins, while your child is still in control.

Also, your child has to be motivated for this to work. If your child denies there is a problem, then signaling is not the tool you should use.

Comment on Redirecting Behavior by admin

admin — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 08:20:50 +0000

Not exactly true.

If you can learn to spot the early warning signs, when your child is on the path to having a melt down, you can redirect his attention to something else.
That means you have to be finely attuned to your child.

It is harder than with a normal child because it doesn’t make sense a lot of times what they are reacting to, but the reality is you can still catch them in the early stages and redirect.

Comment on Signaling by m

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 07:15:05 +0000

What if in the midst of a major melt down (screaming tantrum) your child _never_ looks at you? I can see how this technique would work a treat for children _without_ behaviour issues but I can’t apply this or anything else I’ve read so far to my child with the issue. I use most of these basic parenting techniques listed on the site with my two other children (who do not have behaviour issues) but have found nothing that is helpful for children who actually have issues. If you have a child who will respond to redirection or signals…..I think what you have is a normal child. Not a child with a behaviour problem.

Comment on Redirecting Behavior by Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 07:09:09 +0000

Redirecting behaviour works a treat for children without behaviour problems. It works for 2 of my 3 children. Basic parenting really. For a child _with_ behaviour problems however….this basic parenting skill is null and void.

Comment on Your Child and the ‘F’ Word by Cindy j

Cindy j — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 21:36:47 +0000

ALOT OF THE SWEARING IT IS BETTER YOU IGNORE.IT. YOU HAVE TO THINK WHERE HE HEARD IT FROM. IF IT WAS AT SCHOOL, YOU MAY WANT YO SPEAK WITH THE CHILD ‘S TEACHER.’ I WORKED AT A CHILD CARE CENTER AND WE HADA COUPLE OF 2- 3YEAR CHILDREN WHO USED THE “F WORD;THE TEACHERS GOT AFTER THEM AND THEY DIDN’T LISTEN;I IGNORED THEM AND IT STOPPED. YOU MAY TEL THEM TO USE ANTHER WORD, SUCH AS PHOOEY OR DARN. GOOD LUCK GRMMA CINDY455590

Comment on Ignoring Behavior by Healthy Happy Successful

Healthy Happy Successful — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 05:18:28 +0000

Yes, I agree with you. Parenting kids means to educate kids in the way you believe, which needs principles. To love unconditionally does not mean whatever kids want.

Comment on Your Child and the ‘F’ Word by Mary

Mary — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 01:26:55 +0000

In response to PK’s comments, I can tell you as a nurse who worked in child psychiatry FAS kids are often extremely difficult to deal with because they don’t seem to learn from their mistakes. However, the suggestions I would make are (1) to separate the behavior from the illness, for example, saying, “shut up” is a behavior. Decide how you are going to deal with the behavior, often ignoring is a good choice for behaviors that don’t cause harm to the child or to other people. The entire family has to agree they are going to ignore the behavior of yelling “shut-up, or name calling. Just pretend you don’t hear hear her. For behaviors such as hitting, use time-out (TO). If you need to hold her, you can use a chair her size and sit behind her, crossing her arms in the front and hold her hands in the back, if that’s not possible, place her in your lap on the floor cross her arms in front and restrain her legs with yours. When she is calm then she should take the TO in the chair, and tell you why she need to do so. Try not to talk or make eye contact while restraining except to say, “Are you ready to start your time-out?” Use a timer, for a child with her problems, I would start with about three minutes. The sound of the timer let’s her know you have not forgotten her. Also, it’s good to use a timer for transitions. Set the timer, and tell her. “when the bell rings it will be time for your bath; to leave; lunch, etc. These kids do much better with predictability.
These kids also frequently have seizure disorders, that are not your typical seizure disorders, and may not be readily apparent. Some of the medications used to treat ADHD, may also lower the seizure threshold. These seizures may not show up on an isolated EEG, so, if possible a longer video EEG, may be helpful, but, probably best to start with regular, when you know meds are in her system.
As a parent, I understand why you kiss her to help with calming her down, but there is the problem that you are giving her positive reinforcement for negative behavior, try just holding her quietly.
I also found that at bedtime rolling the child up in a blanket or sheet and holding them helps them to calm and settle.
Use soft music, massage, when she’s agitated.
Stick to a schedule, and frequently reward, “I like the way you are playing nicely.” Catch her being good.
You have a difficult road ahead, so find a professional who deals with kids with FAS. Check the university hospitals in your area.
Also, I would suggest reading Michael Dorris’s book, “The Broken Cord”.
Hope this helps a bit. God Bless, Mary.

Comment on Your Child and the ‘F’ Word by Mary

Mary — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 00:52:24 +0000

I, sometimes see adults laughing when their little ones curse. So, of course the child will continue to do that, because they like the attention they are getting. When I see this I say to the parents, “you may think this is cute now, but you won’t think so when you are called at work to come & get your child from school because they are cursing in the classroom”.
You have to establish and stick to your house rules, if there is no cursing, there is no cursing. A consequence for your own child could be to go to their room for 10 minutes, or if, they use the room to entertain themselves, then sit on a chair for 10 minutes, if their friends curse in the home they can be sent home. Or how about the cruel and inhumane punishment the teachers gave us. Write 100 times, “I must not curse”. There really is nothing cruel about this and teachers should be allowed to apply non-physical consequences for behavior they don’t want in their class rooms.
If you don’t do something about the little things like cursing, what’s going to happen when the child gets old enough to drive, there are no consequences for the child taking the car without permission? As a single parent who raised 2 kids, I can tell you that life will be much easier for you and the kids if you establish rules, and stick to them, because the kids learn pretty quickly that mom means what she says, and stop testing the rules all the time. Of course, it’s normal to occasionally test them…we all do…”when the cat is away the mice will play”. Mary

Comment on Your Child and the ‘F’ Word by Diane

Diane — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:47:18 +0000

Kids will pick up those words no matter what you do. We monitored what my daughter watched and she was homeschooled, so she wasn’t influenced by the media or school. But she still heard the words around the neighborhood and from her friends at church (of all places).
But the original message from the parent worries me. My daughter was exactly like that (spankings making her worse, not caring when privileges were removed, even kicking holes in her bedroom walls). She never changed. She is now 17. We took her in for counseling at 16. Turns out she probably has borderline personality disorder. So sometimes, there really is nothing you can do.
My advice is to get that boy in for counseling now. Maybe early intervention would have helped my daughter, maybe not, but it’s worth a try.