Today we are going to discuss something that is very important for all parents to understand how to do, and that is walking away.  What I mean by that is when your child is gearing up for an argument with you, being abusive to you, calling you names, being rude, and being disrespectful.

One of the things that parents get sucked into is talking back, fighting back, and arguing back.  Parents get stuck in these battles of power and will by arguing with their children instead of just simply walking away.

What that does is it elevates you to the child’s level. It drops you to the child’s level where you are arguing as peers back and forth. This is not appropriate for you and it is bad for your child. It is something you cannot and should not do as a parent.

You cannot get sucked into an argument.

What you want to do when your child talks to you inappropriately or disrespectfully is say to your child, very clearly, “I am not going to accept that behavior from you, I am not going to accept that language from you”. Then you turn around and walk away.

Do not take two steps and turn back and argue again. You just need to completely disengage and walk away. Go somewhere else and leave the scene of the argument. Your child can not argue with you or talk back to you if you are not there to argue or talk back to.

What this does is it establishes that you have certain standards you expect your child to live up to. If your child fails to live up to those standards, you will not engage him anymore in a conversation. You just walk away and walk out of the scene.

That really empowers you and gives you much more strength in the relationship with your child. Your child will have no alternative, but to stop arguing. He can yell after you but basically it puts you in power.

Power is the position you have to be in because you are the parent.

A lot of times we feel that our children are abusing us and disrespecting us, and this is because we let them. We give them the ability to do this to us as parents. We empower them to give them that ability to argue with us by engaging them.

When you disengage and you walk away, you are claiming the power back from your child. You, the parent, are in control. You must be in control because that is your role as a parent.

Today we are going to discuss the importance of being firm and clear with your child.

I know a lot of parents have problems with this. We all want our children to like us as well as love us. We want to be our children’s friend and be buddies with our children.

This is really a problem because it is not your job as a parent to be a friend to your child. It is your job to be a parent to your child. Children need to know that you are an authority figure, the authority figure in your house. You, as a parent, have to act that way.

Your children need that from you.

What you want to do is give firm and clear directions. Do not ask or use an asking voice. Give firm and definitive directions in a firm voice.

For example, your rule in the house is that your children cannot watch television until the dishes are cleaned up or until homework is completed. You do not say this to your children, “Oh, come on honey please? You know you are supposed to do your homework first before you watch television.”

What this does is it establishes your child to be on an equal setting with you. You are the parent, so this is very bad for the child. You want to go to your child and say the following, “Honey, the rule is no television until the dishes are done.” You then turn the television off and you walk away.

You can also say this, “Honey, the rule is no television until you finish your homework.” You then turn the TV off and you walk away. The main thing is that you walk away and do not get involved in conversations, arguments, debates, excuses, or anything else of that nature.

You have made a firm, clear, straight statement, then you disengage and walk away. This establishes you as the authority.

If a child has ODD, or is a defiant child, he is going to be compelled to respond if you stand around and wait for explanations or for responses. You state your opinion firmly, clearly and do not get involved in power struggles like making sure they make eye contact, make sure they are listening.

If it is clear they hear you that is good enough. You just state your opinion and walk away and that maintains you as the authority figure to get what is done.

Now it is very important that you use this and have very clear, defined rules, particularly when it comes to house rules that you want to maintain. What time bed time is for your children. When your children can watch television. When they can have treats, snacks, or anything you feel is vitally important to your household running.

If you think your children have to obey you should use this type of technique. Be clear, firm, disengage, walk away, and be non-emotional. Do not get stuck in debates or discussions because that will just suck your child in and will put you in a much weaker position as a parent and authority figure.

This is Doctor Anthony Kane with the Complete Connection Parenting Program. If you would like to have the one word you can use to control any argument you may have with your child or and put you in the position of power and control, please come to our website at ccparenting dot com and there you will find that word and you will sign up for our free newsletter.

Today I want to discuss the issue of the importance of disassociating yourself emotionally or disengaging emotionally from your child.

Let me explain what I mean by that.

Your child is a child. He is going to misbehave, he is going to do things wrong, and it’s our tendency, particularly mothers, to get very emotionally wrapped up and involved in what our children do.

It is a natural tendency to do that. But that is not really good for you or the child. Your child is going to do things wrong. All children do things wrong.

You have to know to disengage yourself and disassociate yourself from the child’s behavior; not your child, you still love your child, you’re still very close to your child.

But the behavior is not your child. The behavior is something he is doing and he is learning to behave appropriately and grow up. So you have to not take it personally, not get emotionally involved, not get sucked in emotionally when your child misbehaves.

Treat it like you are in the Army, for instance. When the Lieutenant or officer gives an order, the Private carries it out. There is no emotional involvement, attachment, direction for giving orders, it is a matter-of-fact type of thing.

Treat your child’s behavior in the same way. The child does do something, you tell him he does it, he does or doesn’t do it but it’s not a reflection upon you, or your authority, or anything like that.

It is important to do it this way because when you get sucked in emotionally, the issues become not the child’s behavior but your anger, you are upset and that takes precedence in your child’s mind.

When you are angry it will limit your authority and it does not teach your child better behavior.

Today we are going to discuss your child or teen’s use of excuses.

If you have an ODD child or an ODD teenager, they are full of excuses. They can punch holes in the walls, they can call names, they can be abusive to you and rude to you and disrespect you, but they will always make it somebody else’s fault.

One of the ways you can put a stop to this is that you have to have some absolute standards.

That is the first thing – a good example would be no name calling. Another is that your child or teen must treat you with respect. Other examples would be that they cannot punch holes or cannot break things.

Those are absolute standards you set as the authority figure in your house. When your child violates that you do not ask for an explanation or a reason. If you ask for an explanation it is always going to be somebody else’s fault.

So, when Bobby smashes a hole in the wall, you do not say, “Bobby, why did you hit a hole in the wall?” He may say one of the excuses, that his sister did this to him, that you did this to him, that his teacher made him angry, or because the dog did this to him.

You do not ask for those excuses.

You should say, “Bobby, you hit a hole in the wall and you get this consequence” – whatever you have decided beforehand. Do not ask for an explanation and there will be no excuses. The only reason children give excuses are because parents ask for them.

What you want to do again is to set standards in your house. What do you think the rules are that cannot be violated? What standards should you set? Examples – no name calling, no abuse, no disrespect, no talking back, no breaking things, no breaking other people’s things. You, as the parent, must set the rules and the standards that have appropriate logical consequences for these inappropriate behaviors.

When your child oversteps these boundaries you do not care why and you do not ask why. Because when your child is older and he is speeding while driving, the police will pull him over. The officer is not going to ask your son why he is speeding. He is going to give your son a ticket. That is the way the world works. When a child or an adult violates something – they receive a consequence.

No one asks why, because no one really cares why. It is not really relevant why your child was abusive or disrespectful. The issue is he was abusive and disrespectful, so remember do not ask for explanations.

Set certain standards and make it clear that everyone understands these standards. Be quick and unemotional when there is a violation of these standards to give the appropriate consequence that was decided on beforehand. Do not get sucked into an argument or explanations.

It is not really relevant!

Point out what was done wrong, state the consequence, walk away, and detach yourself completely. This will help you take away a lot of these excuses. There really are no excuses for inappropriate behaviors.

Today I want to talk to you about a child who complains a lot. How do you handle a child who is constantly complaining that everything is bad, everything is wrong, and is constantly telling you day and night? Doesn’t it really just kind of drive you crazy after awhile?

I’m going to give you some very quick and easy parenting advice for a child who always complains. What you should do with a child who complains is set aside a time everyday in which you field these complaints.

For example, you would say to your child, “From 7:00 – 7:30 tonight I am hearing complaints.” Have your child come to you then at 7pm. Then have him write out everything that is bothering him.

Make it clear in his mind if he’s old enough to write, or have him have it clear in his mind what he wants to talk about. Then from 7:00 – 7:30 every evening, you hear and address your child’s complaints. You, as the parent, legitimately take care of the problems.

When your child comes at another time of the day, say lunchtime or 4:00 in the evening, you tell him the following, “We have a complaint time and it is from 7:00 to 7:30 every evening. This is when you bring your complaints to me. Bring them tonight and I will discuss them with you.”

Do not hear complaints outside of the allotted time.

Having a specific timeframe will help your child focus. What will happen is that your child will begin to get his complaints clear because he will have to write them down to present them to you. This will help your child be able to focus on other things instead of complaining because he will not have anyone to hear the complaints. It also allows your child to be heard.

Also, it will give you a lot more peace.

There are a lot of advantages with this technique. It will allow your child to be heard. This technique will also let you legitimately address the complaints. Finally, you will have a lot more sanity.

So, if you have a child that complains a lot, try out this technique. It is good for children, good for teenagers and good really for anybody. It is even good in business, if you have a business time for complaining. It is good all around advice to accept complaints. That way, the rest of the day goes a lot smoother.