Today we will discuss a very important function that child discipline and consequences does for you and your child. That is learning how to manage emotions.

People have lots of emotional shifts everyday. They can get angry, frustrated, upset and it happens frequently on a daily basis.

An adult who is mature knows to how to manage these feelings. He doesn’t react when he gets angry. He doesn’t react when he gets frustrated. He controls himself and finds ways to manage his emotions in a socially acceptable way.

Children are not like that. Children get angry and they react right away. They get frustrated and they act right away. They feel hurt and they react right away. Part of growing up and living in a society requires that you learn how to manage your feelings and to express them in a way that is not offensive, abusive, threatening, or aggressive to other people.

Child discipline through consequences can help you teach your child to do that. Your child must learn how to manage and control his feelings.

The natural response for a child when he gets hit is to hit back. When a child gets angry, he strikes out. That is not proper. You need to teach your child to find a more socially acceptable method of expression.

You can use child discipline and consequences to teach your child to find a different way of behaving. For example, if your child hits other children, you can develop a consequence so that he learns not to hit in the future.

How do you use a consequence as part of a child discipline strategy?

A consequence is a logical, thought out process that teaches new behavior and shows your child how to behave better in the future. It is connected to the behavior you are trying to change. By connecting the consequence to the behavior, you will be able to use it to teach your child to improve.

This is a mistake that parents often make. They don’t make this connection, which is why many times consequences don’t work.

I have a free video that will reveal to you the #1 mistake parents make when giving consequences. Go to http://ccparenting.com/discipline and you will learn how to avoid this mistake.

One of the most common complains that I have from parents is the problem of anger in children. Their  child seems to explode, blow up and cause all sort of problems at home, when they get angry.

One of the things we’ll discuss today is how we can tell if a child really has an anger problem, or is it something else.

The one indicator of whether a child has problem with anger is how often he gets angry. Does he get angry constantly? Is he always going off?  Do you have to run away and hide whenever he’s around because he’s going to explode about something? Or is this very infrequent?

If the anger is constant or very frequent and you have a problem of anger at home.  You need to determine what that problem is and what the source is. For example, could it be that your child actually has a problem managing his anger.  It could be something you’re doing to set their anger off. It’s very important for you to know what to do, what are the cause is in order to figure out what you should do to take care of this problem.

So with that in mind I’ve created for you a form you can fill out to determine the situation of anger in your home and what you can do about it.

The form is located at http://ccparenting.com/anger . You go over there and fill out the form. We’ll give you a quick analysis and you will be able to determine exactly how you need to fix the problem of anger in your home.

Yesterday after his nap he was playing quietly in his room for about an hour. When I went to get him he had taken off his dirty diaper, removed the contents and had painted the floor, the walls, and his bedroom furniture and himself brown.

How would you handle this?

This is what we did:

The first thing I did was to wake up my wife so that she care share the experience.

After we finished laughing (he was singing his little heart out while smearing the walls) we lifted him into the bathtub and soaked him until all the brown stuff came off.

He was at it a long time so there was a lot caked on. It took a while to get the smell out of him. Then my wife started cleaning up the mess.

I dressed him, took him downstairs and had him make his dinner. (Yes, my two year old makes his own dinner sometimes.)

Then we called my mother to tell her that finally someone in the family has outdone me. (When I was his age I used to get up a 6 am and go downstairs and butter the furniture.)

Then we read stories and played ball until my wife was finished cleaning.

What would you have done?

Please add a comment.

For example, let’s say you child has a problem with another child in school. The other child teases him. Your child can react many different ways. He can react is by smacking the other child, by beating him up, or by intimidating him.

Any of these approaches may insure that the child will not tease him again. If this happens, your child will learn that using intimidation or physical force can solve his problems.

What this means is that your child has stumbled upon a socially unacceptable way to solve a problem he is facing. If he gets away with behaving this way, your child may test the use of intimidation or physical force in other challenging situations. If he continues on this path he will adapt this approach for other problems and may eventually become a bully.

One thing you have to understand is people always choose the easiest path to solve problems. If your child is doing a bad behavior consistently, it is because that he finds it works to get him want he wants. You use consequences and discipline to change that.

What you have to do is use consequences as part of your child discipline strategy to show your child that there are better behavior options. You use consequences to make the appropriate behavior a better and easier option to follow.

For example, if your child curses or talks back, and this is a frequent problem, it is because he found talking back and cursing work for him in certain situations, like when he is angry. You use consequences to teach him that when he is angry it is a better option for him to go to his room and cool off.

That is how consequences are supposed to work. What usually happens is something quite different. Parents punish their children or give a consequence and either nothing happens or the child becomes resentful and behaves even worse. This is because you are using consequences incorrectly. If you do not use consequences correctly, you will not change your child’s behavior.

I have created a video for you that is going to explain to you why that is. In this video I discuss the #1 mistake parents make in giving consequences and what you can do to avoid this mistake.

Go now to:

First of all you told them something he did not like. That means you are exerting your power and control over your child and his natural response is to:

(1) resent you and try to attack you, and

(2) try to show he has control over you in some aspect.

That is what the foul language, bad language, or cursing achieves.

It shows, first of all, that it expresses his anger in you. Second, he controls what comes out of his mouth and you don’t. It gives him an air of control where you have no control.

The way you handle this problem is to recognize what your child is trying to do and do not get sucked in. You do not get drawn into a battle. You do not respond at this point, and you do not let your child suck you into an argument or respond really in any way.

You want to maintain your dignity and control of the situation.

For example, let’s say your child comes home late and misses curfew, your consequence is for the next week, the next couple of days, or the next couple of times he has got to be home an hour earlier. He gets angry and curses at you. You say, “Nevertheless, for the next week, you have got to be home an hour early” and you walk away.

You do not get dragged into battle. You do not say, “How dare you curse at me.” You do not get involved in any way at all in what he said.

That does not mean you let it go. You can come back later at a different time and say, “You know you cursed at me yesterday, you cursed at me an hour ago, two hours ago. You are not allowed to do that and there is a consequence for that also” and then you give a consequence for cursing.

Do not let the cursing, the bad talk, the bad language, or the anger of your child get you off track. Your child’s goal is to exert his power, exert his control and to show you that he has something over you. Do not let him get away with it.

Stay in control, stay in focus, keep on topic, and at a later time when things are calm, go back and address the cursing or the bad language. Do not let it go. Do not say you are giving in. Don’t do anything other than stay on track now and make sure you address it later.

As a result, what happens is our children become sheltered and it can become a problem in that your children will never learn to take responsibility for their actions. The proper way to show that you really love your child is to help them become a healthy, normal, and well functioning teenager and then adult.

Unfortunately, this requires your children to make mistakes and then take responsibility for those mistakes. Your children should learn to suffer the consequences of their mistakes.

We cannot keep sheltering our children as they get older. Our children have to learn to grow up, move on, and take care of themselves. They will not do this if we, as parents, pick up all of their mistakes and protect their actions. It is a mistake that all parents can make.

What you want to do is show your children responsible love. Teach your children that if they do something wrong that they have to pay the consequences.

Mistakes have consequences.

The best way for your child or anyone to learn from something is to make a mistake or do something wrong and feel the pain of the consequences. So this goes for small children as well as older children and teenagers too.

When your child is older, the consequences tend to be more severe. So for example, if your child is stealing, one of the worst things that you can do is to protect them from the police. Do not protect your children from their actions of stealing because they will never learn that stealing has very painful consequences.

On the other hand, if you really love your children and want what is best for them, if they do something very very wrong and you let them face the consequences themselves, they will learn that bad things have bad consequences.

By doing this, your children will learn that punishments are serious and that the world is a serious place. They will learn that if you do not behave yourself, bad things can happen to you.

Now it is counter-intuitive, because we want to protect our children. But sometimes protecting our children too much can be really detrimental for them. So it is a hard lesson that we as parents have to learn. We have to break away from protecting our children and change our whole way of thinking.

We have to let our children suffer their mistakes so that when they get older, they will learn to be much more careful and not make these mistakes, especially when the mistakes have serious consequences.

Because a child who gets into trouble at 15 years old is going to be in a different situation then a child who gets into trouble at 19 years of age. If a parent protects a child at age 15, that parent will protect their child at age 19 too. You, as the parent, do not want that to happen.

Today we are going to discuss how to get your children and teens to do chores around the house. Doing chores is a major conflict and problem in many families. First, let’s clarify why your child needs to do chores.

Your child is part of your household. Your child has to learn that as part of a group he has to contribute to that group. In your family, that means helping around the house and doing his chores.

I am going to give you one technique that will help you reduce conflict when it comes to getting chores done. It is quite simple, actually. The idea is to have a scheduled chore time for your entire family.

For example, every day from 4:00-5:00 all the children do their chores…everyone. That means that one child will wash the dishes, one child will fold the laundry, one child will take out the garbage, and so on. Have a special time where no one is doing anything but complete his or her chores.

Having a pre-scheduled chore time cuts down on a lot of conflict. It also provides structure to your home. Everyone knows that when the time comes he has to stop whatever he is doing and complete his chores.

Having a chore time eliminates a lot of the petty complaints. One child won’t say, “Why does he get to watch TV while I have to do the laundry?” Everyone is working at the same time.

If your child does not comply and keep his chore time you can then start using consequences to enforce it.

For example, if from 4:00-5:00 your child is supposed to take out the garbage and the garbage is not taken out, then he can’t play video games until the garbage is taken out. He can’t watch television. There is no dinner. In fact there is no anything else until the garbage is taken out.

We talk about using consequences effectively in a free CD that you can get here: FREE Child Discipline CD.

Getting kids to do chores is one of the conflicts parents have with their difficult defiant children.

Again, your child should do chores because he is part of your household. Your child has to learn that as part of a group he has to contribute to that group and that in your family, that means helping around the house and doing his chores.

This is only one of numerous techniques we have for helping with chores. But this technique alone will help you to get your children to do their chores more easily and with a lot less complaints.

Who is the boss is the major issue for oppositional defiant children. An ODD child will do everything in his power to show you that he is the boss; not that he is in charge of you, but that you have no control over him.

Parents find this type of power struggle particularly frustrating. If you have an ODD child at home, you know what I am talking about.

What might come as a surprise to you is this…

The reason that it is so frustrating when you get into a power struggle with your oppositional defiant disorder child is that in reality your child is right. You are not in control over him. Any control you have over your child comes through his own willing consent to listen to you, and your oppositional defiant child does not give you this consent.

Why You Have No Control

In most conflicts of will your child has the clear advantage. You are trying to get him to do something, a chore, to go to bed, to turn down the television, and he is trying to resist you

If it is a chore you want done he can sit and not do it. If you wish him to go to bed he is not yet in bed. If it’s the TV, well, it is already loud. He already has what he wants. It’s you that wants the change. That means if nothing happens your child has already won.

In other words, you the parent must initiate a new action or say something different to change the current situation. If you can do this effectively, then you will get what you want. If you don’t do this effectively you will not get what you want.

But your child already has what he wants. He doesn’t have to do anything new. What he is doing now is working for him. He is already not doing the chore or he is still out of bed or the TV is blasting. The burden is on you to make the situation change. And if you can’t come up with anything, then he has already won. He needs to do nothing new. He wins by default.

So when you get into a power struggle with your child you are already losing. In any battle, you have to work must harder than your child does.

That is the first problem. But there is more to it than just this.

Compare your life to your child’s life. You live in a world where bills need to be paid, and the mortgage is due. You may have a project at work or need to get dinner on the table. You have other children who need your help. You have dozens of other things going on at all times that demand your attention.

And your child?

He has no rent, no job, no children. Who do you think can devote more energy to an all out battle? So not only are you already losing any fight you get involved in with your child, but also your child can devote much more of his energy to the conflict to make sure he keeps on winning.

Now it is true, you do have the trump card. You are much bigger and stronger and in many cases you can use your size and power to force compliance. It might be the correct thing to do in certain limited cases. However, this is not a good long term strategy, for a number of reasons.

You can force your child to do things. This can work when your child is young. When your three year old doesn’t want to go to bed, you can pick him up and carry him off to bed. You can also make sure he stays there, though in some cases you may have to hold him there for a while.

When your child is ten, you can still pick him up and make him do things that he may not want to do. It is harder, particularly if he puts up a fight, but in most cases it can be done.

What about if your child is sixteen? If he is sixteen, he might be able to pick you up and put you to bed!

So even though using force is a potential short term option, in the long run it is not going to work for you.

However, that is not the biggest problem.

When you use force, you erode the relationship you have with your child. Your child feels more distant from you. This is bad for you and it is extremely bad for your child.

Your relationship with your child, the bond that you have with each other is the most important thing that you share. You should never do anything that deteriorates that bond.

Using force does just that. It chips away at your relationship until it can become irreparably damaged. So even though there are times when using your superior force may get the immediate task done, it can have very destructive long term effects and it may put you in a position down the road where you are completely helpless to control your teenage child.

Now, it is very important that you reflect upon what has just been said. You must understand that being in a power struggle with your child is a very bad position to be in. Sooner or later you are bound to lose and lose big.

It is true that the child usually initiates the conflict with the parent. However, the parent is the one who keeps it going.

There can be no conflict unless both sides participate. That is why you have to do everything you can to stay in control and not get tricked or trapped into battles that you are inevitably going to lose.

What You Need to Do to Stay in Control

When it comes to conflicts with your child, the most important thing you must remember is not to get sucked in.

Here is the formula you must always remember:

You Argue=You Lose

It is really that simple.

Once you get into a power struggle with your child you are on very shaky ground. You must do everything you can to avoid this.

If you know what to do already, then you are on your way.

If you are tired of the talking back, fighting, and action out and you want to get control of your child’s behavior, then go to:

Child Behavior Help
For children ages 2-11

Teen Behavior Help
For pre-teens and teens ages 12 and older

RESOURCES:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Oppositional Defiant Disorder- ODD screening test

Treating Your Child’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

How to Make Your Child More Responsible

How to Stop Your Child from Arguing with You

Homework and Your Child

Some children have a greater tendency to lie than others. This is particularly true if the child sees others lie, or where he views lying as a way to protect himself from harm. Certain personality types also have a inclination to lie. Lying hurts the liar. Chronic or habitual liars rarely feel good about themselves. Lying may cause difficulties for the child at school and with their friends. It isolates him from those he loves and may disrupt family life.

Reasons Children Lie

Very young children are not yet able to distinguish fantasy from reality. Children this age have a very active imagination and cannot always differentiate between their imagination and what really happened. Also, children this age often appear to be lying when in actuality they have honestly forgotten what happened.

Around the age of 5 or 6 children develop a better understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality. At this age, children develop a conscience and understand that certain behaviors disappoint their parents. Children also begin to experience feelings of guilt when they do wrong. At this age a child may construct a lie to avoid punishment or disapproval.

By the age of 7 or 8, children can differentiate between fantasy and reality and usually tell the truth. At this age, children lie to avoid punishment or to avoid doing something unpleasant. They also begin to understand the concept of polite social lying. They may lie to spare someone’s feelings. Lies at this age may also be a cry for help. A child who is very fearful or feels overwhelmed by school or some other area of his life, may lie in an attempt to deal with this pressure.

In adolescence, lying begins to take on a new significance. However, when an adolescent lies it is not always a sign of trouble. Teens may lie simply to protect their privacy or to establish their independence. They may also lie in “acceptable situations” such as not to hurt a friend’s feelings or to avoid embarrassment. Of course, a teen may lie to avoid punishment or doing chores, or in order to get something that he can’t get by telling the truth.
How to Prevent Lying
Be a Good Role Model
You are the most important role models for your child.
• Tell the truth. Avoid little white lies.
• Don’t lie to your child to get him to listen to you.
• Keep your word. Always explain and apologize if you must break a promise.
Encourage Truthfulness
• Stress the importance of honesty at
home.
• Let your child know that you value truth.
• Teach your child alternatives to lying.
• Praise your child for telling the truth, particularly in situations where it is difficult for your child.
• Create a safe family environment so that your child can express his feelings.
• Don’t accept excuses for lying.
• Assume your child is telling the truth.
What to Do When Your Child Lies
• Do not ignore lying.
• Give your child a chance to confess.
• Give appropriate consequences for lying.
• Don’t act spontaneously. Think out consequences for lying beforehand.
• Separate the punishment for lying from the punishment for whatever the lie was designed to conceal.
• Have your child apologize.
• Show your child how to repair the lie.
• Don’t lecture.
When Lying is a Problem
The following types of lying may indicate a more serious problem.

An older child or teen that lies:
• To get attention.
• Habitually as a way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers, and friends.
• In order to take advantage of others.
• To hide a more serious problem, such as a drug or alcohol problem.
What to Do About Problem Lying
If a child or adolescent develops a serious and repetitive pattern of lying, then you may need professional help. Have a child or adolescent psychiatrist evaluate your child. Based upon what you find you have several treatment options:
Individual counseling – This is particularly helpful if the lying is a cry for attention.
Family counseling – This is useful for families who feel that trust has been seriously damaged, or in cases where lying is something learned from other family members. Family therapy may be vital when the child lies in order to protect himself from harm.
Group therapy – This form of therapy helps where the child lies as a way of getting attention.
Assessment for a learning disability – Some children lie in order to cover up school difficulties. Lying may be an indication of a learning disability.
Conclusion
Lying is a normal part of childhood and rarely indicates a problem. Addressing lying early and appropriately will help prevent it from becoming a more serious concern. If your child has a difficulty with lying you need to be patient. Your child needs to know you care about him. Your child may have spent years to become a master of distorting the truth, exaggerating, and lying. It will take time for him to change his behavior.

In a few days I am going to do a special call in conference on what to do about arguing, talking back, and disrespect.

I want to be sure that I answer any questions you might have on this topic.

Please go to the comment section below and write down any question or issue you are facing so that I can make sure we cover that point on the call.

Thanks.

Anthony Kane, MD