• Control Any Argument with Your Child or Teen
• Give You Authority
• Command and Demand Respect
• Increase Your Dignity
• Show Your Child or Teenager that You’re the One Who’s in Control

When your child argues with you, it can:

*    Destroy your authority
*    Erode respect
*    Frustrate you
*    Leave you feeling helpless, not knowing what to do

Even if you get your way, the mere fact that you need to
argue with your child takes away from your position as the
parent, the one in charge.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can maintain control even when your child is arguing with
you.  And you can do this with one word….

The word is ‘and’…

Here is how it works:

Let’s say that your child is arguing with you about something.

Let your child state his case without interrupting.  If your
child is really heated up about the issue he may go on and on.
You can tell that he is out of ammunition when he starts to repeat himself.

Once your child has finished venting, now it is your turn.

You reply in a three part sentence.

In part one you address your child by name and restate your
child’s position.  This establishes that you are listening.

Part two is the word ‘and’.  The word ‘and’ is better than
‘but’ because ‘but’ implies conflict where the word ‘and’
does not.

In reality you are not in conflict.  You both want what is
best for your child.  You just have different opinions of
what that is.

Part three is what you want your child to do and that he is
expected to comply.  There is no further discussion on the
point, no further debate, and no negotiating on the matter.

How is your child going to respond to this approach?

He is going to hate it. Your child will be upset, he will
argue, he may scream about how unfair you are.  However,
the most you ever do is to restate your original three part
statement.

There is no negotiating and explanations here.  You may even
leave the room if you need to do so.  Just don’t get sucked
into an argument.

So this is what it sounds like:

“Mom, you are so unfair.  All my friends are going away
skiing in Vermont this weekend and you are not letting me go.”

“Yes, Suzie, you feel that I am being unfair not letting you
go and I maintain that you don’t go.”

“I can’t stand it.  You are treating me like a little child.
Why can’t I go?”

“I understand Suzie that you feel that I am treating you like
a child and I am refusing to let you go.”

“I hate you. You let Brad do anything he wants but you never
let me do anything.”

“I understand, Suzie, that you feel that I let your older
brother do things and I don’t let you do them and I am saying
you cannot go.  Now please excuse me.  I need to go to the
kitchen to get dinner ready.”

Is this going to work every time?  No.  Nothing will work every
time.  There is no magic here.  However, what will happen is
that you will not get side tracked onto other issues.

You will walk away from these confrontations feeling empowered
and dignified, rather than feeling like a worn out rag.

The power of this strategy is that even when it doesn’t make
a bad situation good, it does make it better than it would be
if you get sucked into the conflict.

Another great thing about this approach is that it works for
all ages.  You can begin using this approach as soon as your
child is old enough to talk back and continue using it until
your child is old enough to move out of the house.

Warmly,

Anthony Kane, MD

Please place your comments below and let me know how you like this

If you would like to have a quick step-by-step plan on how to end your child’s difficult
behavior forever and your child is between the ages of 2 and 11:

Please go to:

How to Improve Your Child’s Behavior

If your child is a teenager or even a preteen, there is a new excellent program designed to
help you with your child.

Go to:

The Complete Connection Parenting Teen Behavior Program

Most parenting programs use rewards as a tradeoff. You 
encourage good behavior by buying it. This works with some 
kids, but just not a child like yours.

But there is a very effective way to use rewards even with 
ODD children.

Here it is….

Rather than using rewards as a trade off, you can use them 
as a way to reinforce good behavior once it occurs.

Here is how it works:

Let’s say you are running behind and you need to get 
dinner ready and fold the laundry, but there is just not
time to do both.

Cindy, your preteen daughter is around and doesn’t appear too 
busy. But Cindy doesn’t like folding laundry. However, 
you happen to know that there is a certain DVD she wants 
you to rent.

So you can approach this two ways.

The first is the straight reward for compliance approach.

“Cindy, I really need help with the laundry. I’ll tell 
you what. You know that DVD you want us to get? If you 
help me out by folding the laundry I’ll call Dad and ask 
him to pick it up on the way home.”

There it is, a straight business deal. Now Cindy has to 
decide if it is worth a DVD to bother with the laundry or 
if she would rather do something else.

Here is the way you can use rewards to help you.

The same scenario but this time your approach is a bit 
different.

“Cindy, I am really stuck. Your father is coming home 
soon and need to get dinner on the table. Would you be 
able to take a few minutes and help me by folding the 
laundry?”

Here you are making a plea for help. You are making a one 
time request, appealing to your child’s sense of good and 
giving her the chance and the choice on her own to be the 
hero.

It is much more likely that she will help than in the first case.

When Cindy finishes you say to her,

“Cindy, you’re a life saver. I really appreciate you coming 
through for me when I need you. I want to do something 
nice for you. How about it if I call your father and ask 
him on the way home to pick up that DVD you wanted to see?”

Here is the major difference between the two approaches.

In the first case, the DVD is the pay off. It is a 
straight business deal.

Whether Cindy says yes or no, it is a cold calculated decision 
based upon her perceived value of a DVD.

It will have no ramifications for future compliance 
except for the fact that you have fixed the price of 
laundry folding to be one DVD.

You will not get away with less than that ever again.

In the second case, you also paid for her help. But you 
bought it with your appreciation.

Now appreciation is a wonderful thing. You feel great 
when you give it. Your daughter feels wonderful when she 
receives it and at the end of it all you feel closer to each other.

You should be ready to pay your daughter with appreciation 
all day long.

The DVD became a token symbol of that appreciation, but it 
wasn’t the currency.

In addition to receiving the appreciation and the DVD, 
Cindy might begin to realize that when she obeys you and 
helps you, that on occasion she might receive surprise 
gifts.

She is much more likely to help in the future because 
there will be a big emotional payoff and an occasional 
tangible surprise.

Plus, if you couch your request in such a way that it makes 
her feel good about helping and lets her be in charge, it no 
longer becomes a question of who is in control or who is the 
boss.

If you use this very simple approach slowly and often, then 
you will see some really big changes in behavior over a period of 
time.

But more than that you will strengthen your relationship 
with your son or daughter, which is a reward for both of you.

This is something that neither one of you can buy.

I can keep on going… but it doesn’t get any better.

Finally, after 14 long years of hard work and two years of
extensive testing, The Complete Connection Parenting DVD Teen
Program is now being released to the general public.

Originally, this program was designed to help parents of
difficult, defiant teenagers.  And our tests on four different
continents show this program is extremely effective in doing that.

But our research showed something else…

We found that today, teenagers confront issues and challenges
that two or three decades ago we never had to face.  When we
were growing up, only the most fringe element, out-of-control
teens dealt with the things your child is exposed to on a
daily basis.

And we found that for the most part, the parents today are
clueless….

Parents do not know what their children are doing and those
that do are either in complete denial or are in a panic
because they don’t know what to do or where to turn.

Don’t let your teenager become a statistic!

True, The Complete Connection Parenting DVD Teen Program will
help you get your difficult, defiant teenager’s behavior under
control.  That is what it was created to do.  But it will do
more than that.

The program will show you how to teach your child to become
more mature and more responsible and to make better choices.

And every teenager needs to be able to do this.

Just look at the list again. Look at what your teenager is
exposed to– what is going on around him.  You cannot protect
your child from these things.  Your child’s only real security
is to become mature quickly and learn how to make appropriate
choices.

As I said [[firstname] the program is now available to the
general public.  However, I would like to so something special
for you.

From now, September 25 until Friday October 4, I am giving you
access to the program at a significant discount.

This is only available to you and only if you use this link:

http://addadhdadvances.com/dvdspecial.html

<a href= http://addadhdadvances.com/dvdspecial.html>Teen Program Discount</a>

Call it my special introductory offer which I am giving to you.

Warmly,

Anthony Kane, MD

P. S. [[firstname]] Please, think carefully about enrolling
in this program.  It is a very dangerous world out there for
a teenager, and the world shows no signs of getting any better.

If you have any worries about your child’s ability to make
wise choices I can assure you the problem is probably a lot
more serious than you think.  This is not my opinion.  It is
the statistical facts!

Again, your special introductory link is at:

http://addadhdadvances.com/dvdspecial.html

<a href= http://addadhdadvances.com/dvdspecial.html>Teen Program Discount</a>

It is called:

Giving Rewards

Who hasn’t heard of giving rewards as a way to motivate a child to behave?

This is another great behavioral technique, scientifically proven to be effective 100% of the time… that is, in white rats, guinea pigs, and other small laboratory animals.

The Theory

The idea is a simple one.

Everyone wants to do what benefits him. So if you give rewards for the behavior you wish to see, it will benefit him to behave that way. 

That’s how it is supposed to work, right?

So here is where the system breaks down.

Problem 1: Not Practical

First, often this approach is just not practical.

Sometimes your child just has to behave.  It is the rule and that’s it. There i s no room for negotiation.

When the teacher walks into the class, you can’t expect her to cut a private deal with each of her twenty-five students to get the kids to settle down.

That is not how your child’s world operates.

That’s not how your world operates. When was the last time the IRS sent you a thank you note for not cheating on your taxes?

Problem 2: Your Child in not a Rodent

Another problem is that children are smart.

When you reward kids, they catch on very quickly and start holding out for more. Then the rewards start escalating.

So it might only take a sticker to get 3 year old Jimmy to not ride his tricycle in the street. By the time Jimmy is ten it might cost you a new video game to get him to wear his helmet when he rides his bike. So when he is seventeen what are you going to buy him if he doesn’t drive drunk, a Mustang convertible?

Problem 3: Some Things You Can’t Buy

A third problem is, that when it comes to a naturally defiant child, there just isn’t a big enough reward.

Let’s look at it from Brad’s point of view.

Brad is a twelve-year-old ODD child, who refuses to take out the trash. His parents just decided to improve his behavior by offering rewards for compliance.

So what does Brad get when he obeys?

He gets whatever trinket his parents have agreed to give him. Let’s assume they are astute enough to get him something that Brad will value.

So on the surface the deal makes sense. If Brad takes out the trash for a given period of time he will get something that is of greater value than the inconvenience of taking out the trash.

But it is not just bother and inconvenience that prevents Brad from neglecting the trash.

Every time Brad “forgets” to take out the trash and lets it pile up, he gets the satisfaction of knowing that his parents can’t make him do anything.  He gets the feeling that he is the one in control and that no one can tell him what to do.  He gets to avenge every injustice, either real or imagined, that his parents have ever done to him.

How is Brad’s mom going to top that?

There are just some things that money can’t buy.

These are three reasons why rewards do not work to get ODD children to change their behavior. That is not to say they never work.

If you find something that you want your child to do and it doesn’t matter that much to your child, he’ll do it and take the ice cream cone.

But on big issues… the ones that really bother you, you are not going to be able to buy compliance, at least not for long.

Does that mean you cannot use rewards?

Not exactly.

There is a way to use rewards with your difficult defiant child or teenager, but it is not the way it is usually done.

I will share with you the proper way to use rewards soon.

Excellent program to help you with your child, particularly if you speak Spanish.

Who is the boss is the major issue for oppositional defiant children. An ODD child will do everything in his power to show you that he is the boss; not that he is in charge of you, but that you have no control over him.

Parents find this type of power struggle particularly frustrating. If you have an ODD child at home, you know what I am talking about.

What might come as a surprise to you is this…

The reason that it is so frustrating when you get into a power struggle with your oppositional defiant disorder child is that in reality your child is right. You are not in control over him. Any control you have over your child comes through his own willing consent to listen to you, and your oppositional defiant child does not give you this consent.

Why You Have No Control

In most conflicts of will your child has the clear advantage. You are trying to get him to do something, a chore, to go to bed, to turn down the television, and he is trying to resist you

If it is a chore you want done he can sit and not do it. If you wish him to go to bed he is not yet in bed. If it’s the TV, well, it is already loud. He already has what he wants. It’s you that wants the change. That means if nothing happens your child has already won.

In other words, you the parent must initiate a new action or say something different to change the current situation. If you can do this effectively, then you will get what you want. If you don’t do this effectively you will not get what you want.

But your child already has what he wants. He doesn’t have to do anything new. What he is doing now is working for him. He is already not doing the chore or he is still out of bed or the TV is blasting. The burden is on you to make the situation change. And if you can’t come up with anything, then he has already won. He needs to do nothing new. He wins by default.

So when you get into a power struggle with your child you are already losing. In any battle, you have to work must harder than your child does.

That is the first problem. But there is more to it than just this.

Compare your life to your child’s life. You live in a world where bills need to be paid, and the mortgage is due. You may have a project at work or need to get dinner on the table. You have other children who need your help. You have dozens of other things going on at all times that demand your attention.

And your child?

He has no rent, no job, no children. Who do you think can devote more energy to an all out battle? So not only are you already losing any fight you get involved in with your child, but also your child can devote much more of his energy to the conflict to make sure he keeps on winning.

Now it is true, you do have the trump card. You are much bigger and stronger and in many cases you can use your size and power to force compliance. It might be the correct thing to do in certain limited cases. However, this is not a good long term strategy, for a number of reasons.

You can force your child to do things. This can work when your child is young. When your three year old doesn’t want to go to bed, you can pick him up and carry him off to bed. You can also make sure he stays there, though in some cases you may have to hold him there for a while.

When your child is ten, you can still pick him up and make him do things that he may not want to do. It is harder, particularly if he puts up a fight, but in most cases it can be done.

What about if your child is sixteen? If he is sixteen, he might be able to pick you up and put you to bed!

So even though using force is a potential short term option, in the long run it is not going to work for you.

However, that is not the biggest problem.

When you use force, you erode the relationship you have with your child. Your child feels more distant from you. This is bad for you and it is extremely bad for your child.

Your relationship with your child, the bond that you have with each other is the most important thing that you share. You should never do anything that deteriorates that bond.

Using force does just that. It chips away at your relationship until it can become irreparably damaged. So even though there are times when using your superior force may get the immediate task done, it can have very destructive long term effects and it may put you in a position down the road where you are completely helpless to control your teenage child.

Now, it is very important that you reflect upon what has just been said. You must understand that being in a power struggle with your child is a very bad position to be in. Sooner or later you are bound to lose and lose big.

It is true that the child usually initiates the conflict with the parent. However, the parent is the one who keeps it going.

There can be no conflict unless both sides participate. That is why you have to do everything you can to stay in control and not get tricked or trapped into battles that you are inevitably going to lose.

What You Need to Do to Stay in Control

When it comes to conflicts with your child, the most important thing you must remember is not to get sucked in.

Here is the formula you must always remember:

You Argue=You Lose

It is really that simple.

Once you get into a power struggle with your child you are on very shaky ground. You must do everything you can to avoid this.

If you know what to do already, then you are on your way.

If not, then I suggest you subscribe to the free “Parenting with Control” e-Letter series.

These are the types of issues we will be discussing.

To subscribe, go to:

“Parenting with Control” e-Letter series

RESOURCES:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Oppositional Defiant Disorder- ODD screening test

Treating Your Child’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

How to Make Your Child More Responsible

How to Stop Your Child from Arguing with You

Homework and Your Child

However, the school principal, Joseph Sullivan, says there is another reason.  Sullivan reports that the at least part of the reason is that many of the 17 sophomores, the oldest of which is 16, have made a mutual agreement to get pregnant and to raise their babies together. 

The school first noticed something was up last October when school officials observed that an unusual number of girls were requesting pregnancy tests from the school infirmary.  By May, many of the girls had come to the infirmary several times to get pregnancy tests.  Some girls seemed to be upset that they weren’t pregnant.  After brief questioning of some of the pregnant students, it came out that a number of girls had made a mutual agreement to become pregnant and to raise their babies together. 

News of the Gloucester Pregnancy Pact received international attention.  The story from this small (population 30,000) staunchly Catholic New England fishing town spread all over the world. 

There have been numerous wide ranging reactions to the Gloucester Pregnancy Pact.  Gloucester mayor, Carolyn Kirk denied it.  In a closed door press conference  she stated that there was no evidence of a “teen pregnancy pact.” 

The school physician and school nurse resigned.  They were protesting that the school officials blocked their plan to hand out birth control pills to students, without parental consent.  It is not clear how this was supposed to address the issue to teens wanting to get pregnant.

What is the cause of the Gloucester Pregnancy Pact? 

Some say this incident could have been prevented if the State of Massachusetts hadn’t rejected federal funds for “abstinence only” education.  The school physician and nurse felt it could have been prevented through the liberal distribution of birth control pills.  Some target President George W. Bush’s “No Child Left Behind Act” that cut funding for after-school programs and health education.  

Are these pregnancies a sign of declining moral values?  Probably not.  Teen birth rates have been declining for the last fifteen years and teen abortion rates are falling even faster. 

Some cite hard economic times.  Gloucester is a fishing community and that industry has been hard hit recently.  Many young people don’t see any future for themselves. They are growing up directionless.

One official commented that these girls fit a certain profile.  They are socially isolated.  They don’t get attention from their parents.  One student commented that these girls have little parental supervisions.  “They can stay out all night,” she commented.

The bottom line is no one knows why this Pregnancy Pact took place or even if there is a Pregnancy Pact.

What should be done?

The school is discussing free distribution of birth control among other ideas.  However, the bottom line is that teen pregnancy is not a school issue.  It is a home issue.  And we as parents have to recognize and address this issue.

What does this mean for you and your teenager? 

Teen pregnancy is a reality.  But there are no good answers, only questions. 

Will it happen to your teenage daughter? 

What precautions can we, as parents, take to protect our children?

Is sex education the answer?

Are freely available birth control pills the answer?

Is abortion the answer or even an option?

Please state post your insights and your comments on this issue.

The Thoughtful Gift

Did you ever receive a small gift from someone you were close to when you were not
expecting it?  How did it make you feel?  Happy?  Closer to the other person? 

Here the idea is to give something small on an occasional basis to say to your child, “I love you,” or “I was thinking of you.”  When you do this you send an extremely powerful message to your child. 

I have a friend whose family employed the Thoughtful Gift and it became a family institution. Whenever someone wanted to tell another family member, “you are important to me” that person would do so by giving the other an Andes mint.  Thus, she would get a mint from her brother.  Her brother would get one from her mother.  Her father would give her mother. Well, you get the idea.  It was a very simple gift.  It was small, it wasn’t expensive, and everybody liked it.  It doesn’t seem like much but giving and receiving Andes mints was one of her most cherished childhood memories.  This just illustrates how simple a Thoughtful Gift can be, but how powerful is it’s effect. 

There are a few conditions this gift has to meet to be extremely effective.

1.  The gift should be unexpected.  The power of this technique is in the surprise. 
2. The gift should be something that the child will appreciate.  This is pretty straight forward.  You are giving the gift to make a connection with your child.  If you give something that you like but your child won’t value, then who were you thinking about when you chose the gift?  Even if your child recognizes that you were trying to make a connection with him, the real message you will be sending is, “My mother doesn’t understand me.” 
3.  There should be no feeling of need to reciprocate.  This is also very important.  A gift that comes with strings attached isn’t a real gift.  It is a payment in advance for a future favor that is collectible upon demand. 
4. The gift should be small.  This is also important, though it is not so intuitively understandable unless you think about it.  The power of giving a small gift has very little to do with the actual gift. 

The reason this technique works is not because of what the gift is, but because of what it represents.  When you give your child a small gift you are saying, “I love you”, “I was thinking about you”, “you are important to me.” 

The gift becomes a symbolic representation of your feelings.  Once the gift itself has significant value, much of this message gets lost.  Instead, your child may feel that this is a payment in advance for some yet to be asked request. 

You probably would react this way yourself.  Say your spouse or significant other one day would walk in and unexpectedly lay a single red rose down in front of you, and say, “I was thinking of you today”. 

If you are like most women, you would probably get the warm fuzzies. 

Now take the same scenario and this time instead of laying in front of you the single red rose, he gave you the FTD $100 special bouquet.  Would you really believe him if he said the reason was, “I was thinking of you today”, or would you spend the rest of the night waiting for the real reason to come out? 

And even if no reason ever came out, wouldn’t you wonder what was going on and think it a bit strange?  Your child is going to react the same way that you would. 

Keep it small and it will work for you.

Warmly,

Anthony Kane, MD

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Children have a natural desire to please their parents.  This is true when they are young and it is also true when they become teenagers. Even adults have a need and desire to gain approval from their parents.

You can use what nature has given you as a way to help your child to do what you ask.

Now, if children want so much to have their parents’ approval, why is it that so many of them just won’t listen?

The reason is that other factors get in the way. For an ODD or difficult child probably the biggest reason they defy adults is that they resent the subordination they feel toward the adult. They just don’t want to be dominated by anyone and they won’t take orders no matter how much sense it makes and even if it is for their own benefit.

For an ODD child, the issue is who is in control, and almost everything else is secondary.

With such a child, getting them to obey is a major task. You can’t make them do anything. The more you try, the more they will fight you.

So how do you get such a child to listen to you?

You can’t force your ODD child to obey you. But you can get your ODD child to want to obey you.

You do this proactively, by developing and using your relationship.

Developing and strengthening a positive relationship with your child has numerous benefits:

• You will be happier
• Your child will be happier
• You will enjoy your time together much more
• You will reduce the amount of fighting and arguing
• Your child will be much less likely to get into serious trouble.

Over the next few weeks we will be discussing a number of things you can do that will help you get your child to cooperate with you.