Using rewards to encourage behavior is a common technique in raising children; online viagra prescription.How to use rewards properly with children who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD is important in your success in getting good behavior.
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We discussed earlier that the way parents are taught to give rewards does not work with ODD kids – online viagra prescription. Here is an example of how to use rewards effectively.
Let’s take the example of Cindy, a twelve or thirteen year old defiant girl who hates folding the laundry – online viagra prescription. You happen to be at home and are running out of time, your husband is coming home, dinner is not ready and you have a pile of laundry to fold.
One way to do it, and the way people are usually taught to do it, is to go to Cindy and say “Cindy, I am really in a bind with the laundry and I need your help to fold it; online viagra prescription. Let’s work this out.I know you want this DVD; online viagra prescription. If you fold the laundry I will call your father and have him bring a DVD home on the way home from work.”
That is a straight business deal – online viagra prescription. You do the work and you get the reward; online viagra prescription. That is how people who teach parenting teach to give rewards; online viagra prescription. The problem with this method is that Cindy will now evaluate the situation online viagra prescription, she is sitting around watching soap operas or talking to her friends.She will decide if it is worth a DVD – online viagra prescription.The answer will be yes, or no; online viagra prescription. This is a straight business deal.
One of the things you have done with this method is fixed the price for folding laundry. Folding laundry equals one DVD – online viagra prescription. Online viagra prescription: you will never get away with less than that for folding laundry. That is the problem with that approach online viagra prescription, and it is the way most people were taught how to do it.
The proper way of using rewards should go like this: Same scenario, Cindy 12 or 13, hates laundry, you are stuck and your husband is coming home.
You go to the door and say “Cindy, I am really in a bind. I got home late from work today, I have to make dinner and your father is coming home. Nothing is ready – online viagra prescription. The laundry is up to the ceiling; online viagra prescription. Could you please help me out and do me a favor? Would you mind stopping what you are doing and please help me fold the laundry?”
She may do it or not do it, but what you are doing right now is appealing to her sense of fairness, her sense of reason – online viagra prescription. You are appealing to the mature teenager inside with a plea for help. Most people online viagra prescription, unless there is something really pressing, will respond to that. Online viagra prescription: when she is done, you can go up and say “Cindy, I am so grateful to you for helping so much. Online viagra prescription: i really appreciate it. I want to show you my appreciation. I am going to call your father and have him bring that DVD home that you’ve been wanting to get for so long.”
Same situation, same scenario, same child, same DVD. Online viagra prescription: but here is the big difference: in the first case the DVD was payment for work. Is it worth it or is it not? In the second case the DVD was not a payment at all – online viagra prescription. The payment you gave your child was the appreciation for the help and also the right to be the one in control in making decisions.
This is pure gold for an ODD child; online viagra prescription. Online viagra prescription: they love being in control. By acting this way you not only gave them control but you also showed an emotional appreciation, which is something that you cannot buy with money. Appreciation is a wonderful thing. Online viagra prescription: it helps you.It helps your child and it builds a wonderful relationship.
What was the DVD? The DVD was just a symbol of your appreciation, just a thank you; online viagra prescription. But the real reward was the appreciation and that is what builds a good relationship with your child and makes everything run smoothly in your family.
The next time your daughter has to do something, or you want your daughter to do something, ask her the same way and you give your appreciation. The DVD is a trinket, maybe she will get it or maybe she won’t; online viagra prescription. It is a nice thing but it is not the motivating factor.
That is how you use rewards to build a relationship with your child, to get compliance, and to get your child to feel like she is the one in control and more mature; online viagra prescription.This is the key in helping improve your child’s behavior as well as your parent-child relationship.
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I am raising my 13 yrs old grandson alone. He has anxiety disorder and it is making me anxious……He is a good kid but is a very talented manipulator.
Thanks. Linda Sue
very astute insightful very good sense, and of course the opposite of what most of us do! thank you Anthony, I look very forward to using your technique!
yours truly,
kristen forsythe
LindaSue,
I too am raising my 13 year old grandson alone. Best wishes.121110
Do you think kids from certain circumstances are more likely to be this way? For instance, I see that the women who wrote you are grandparents. I’m an adoptive mom. Do you think that our more wanting to be looked at as “the” parent is something that subconsciously comes across to our children, and in a way, causes them to be this way? Or do you think this is basically a communication situation? Or something else?
I love your ideas. Have you considered offering smaller payments? I can’t afford a lot of money all at once.
Thanks!
Great technique. What is the suggested technique if you have a son that is not mature and states that is not his job or That he doesn’t care. Most of the time I find he has no sympathy or empathy. Any suggestions?
Thanks for the input……………do not know if it will work with an ODD older child who thinks the parent is the root cause of all her problems
Makes very good sense. So simple but for some reason wasn’t readily apparent to me. Thank you for the good information.
Usually my 13 year old grandson’s reaction to any request is similiar to what Vickie says: He doesn’t care and shows no sympathy or empathy. He also doesn’t show any feelings about being reprimanded or punished for anything he does anywhere. He recently was suspended from school for two days for disrespecting a teacher (he actually called him a bad name under his breath and the teacher heard him). He just seems to adjust to whatever situation he finds himself in without showing any emotion. The emotions he shows are anger, rebellion, defiance, disrespect and the “whatever” attitude and response to everything. These are the things which cause him to be in trouble with his teachers and family members all the time.
Great fresh idea, just need a tad more info about how to use this in different situations. Say we’re on a school field trip to Six Flags (coming up soon). Our son wants to ride a different ride from everyone else in his group. He basically says “I’m not going to ride that ride, I’m going to ride “that” ride instead and starts walking off. How do we use this technique since basically he has no choice but to do what his group’s chapperone says. They can’t leave him alone while everyone else is on the ride, including the chapperone. But he simply refuses to ride, ruining the experience for all the others in the group. Same thing goes when choosing lunch options, game options, etc etc. He’s being viewed as being very selfish and controlling, so giving him more control over everybody else doesn’t seem to be the answer in all situations.
This is very good…but what do you suggest for the next time, when you ask for their help and they say, “Oh…can I get xyz if I do it? …like last time?”
the problem is like Vickie and Linda have expressed, kids with ODD …how do you appeal to their sense of fairness, or sense of reason if they don’t have that?
Why does the child have to be paid or rewarded at all? Isn’t folding laundry part of family responsibility. Does the child ‘reward’ you for folding his/her laundry or even doing it?
It\’s really enthusiastic. The reward should come from the core of the heart. Shallow approaches would not do.
I am having the same problem as Linda M. I am raising my 13 yr old granddaughter. She thinks I am her problem. She recently got suspended for 3 days, didn\’t care at all. She has so much anger. My son and her mother have never wanted to take the responsibility, so it falls on my shoulders. I am almost 60 years old and I am tired of all this drama. I have had her for 3 years now and her grades are getting worse.
It makes sense. And it works!!
Now the problem I keep bumping into, is the rest of the people out there, including other family members ( and let me leave teachers alone for now), who are not using these techniques and start saying that it doesn’t require all this to make your child/teen listen and cooperate, that we are giving them too much information, they have to listen just because we are the parent and they are the child. Or, that we are using their diagnosis as an excuse for their behavior. Even when we do stick to what we know works, they often listen to the grown ups disagreements and use those arguments against us.
Most of us are already exhausted enough from the daily “fights” to keep these children out of trouble, then we just get attacked by everybody else. No wonder they have more problems. Then, they get together with their friends and school peers and develop that “don’t care” or, proud to be more and more defiant attitude.
Until the grown ups realize that they don’t need to act all rough and tough to get children/teens to cooperate, this will keep on going.
In the mean time, Thank You! Thank you, for all the techniques and information you can teach us.
(One of my four has ADHD, with ODD, and is a very explosive child) Also, I’ve worked 10 years in Special ED. classes.
Hi
With ADHD/ODD kids you are in for a long haul, so as a failed mum, (and if any mum with an ADHD/ODD kid feels she is not a failed parent – then well done!), what I suggest is to show the child less attention. Only say what is necessary to say, and if the kid does not listen or does not obey or listen, don’t stress yourself. Is what you requested important? If their behaviour impinges upon the pleasure of others then avoid that situation if you can. Avoid the stress and the embarrassment and look after yourself. You will need all your health and energy to get them through being a teenager and hopefully moving towards some sort on independence.
Now, what these kids seem to crave is to be in control and independent. So, as far as you can, stop doing things for them. Allow them as much freedom as you can – and don’t forget to reduce your interaction with them. Just make sure you inform them – once – of any danger or implications of what they do.
Obviously each situation will be different: not cleaning their bedroom or not doing their laundry or neglecting their personal hygiene is on a different level to letting them drive your car. But even so, just remember all the stuff other competent kids of their age are doing, or have done and can do.
I think ADHD/ODD kids only learn by their own direct experience, so that means lots of hurts, lots of tough times for them, and really the more the better. They may listen to other adults, but probably not you. Therefore, I also suggest that you encourage as much interaction with adults unknown to them (but not necessarily unknown to you) as possible, so they have to practice their good manners and social chat.
And good luck, look after yourselves and don’t let it get to you.
Good information, but what if the child doesn’t care about fairness or compliance and says no because he can and is the opposite of what he knows I want?
I enjoyed watching the video, it is really a good idea.,especially not mentioning any gift of thanks until after any help is given. I also like what Sue and pat have to say. They definitely want to do things for them selves, and they are big time learners from they’re own experience. They don’t get it unless they’ve done it.
And sometimes… they just don’t feel like it.. I not helping because I’m not.. right then what… do we turn around and say when they need something… sorry dear I’m busy right now you’ll need to do it your self..
and how do you keep constistancy… 3 kids .. 2 teens and an infant w a new house.. uugg… tireing..
I agree with Pat. My son doesn’t care about fairness and will refuse even if (and especially if, since he now thinks he’s in charge) I plea with him. I have to use force and threat ofpunishment (removal of iphone, video games, etc) to get him to do anything, but it gets harrassing after a while.
I appreciate what Sue said about taking care of yourself and ignoring them. I agree, because they act like they are so big yet they can’t even do the simpliest thing most other kids can do.
I asked my 12 yr. old son repeatedly throughout the day to put the pantry groceries away. He did not. I told him I was very tired and needed him to please do his share around here. I can’t do it all. Later, he made sure I wasn’t looking, and put the groceries away! I gave him lots of praise. But he couldn’t do it when I asked. You are right; he has to be in control and do it on his terms. Trying to force it only makes them rebel. I understand this now. Thanks!
Good information, but how do you get them to do it when they think they should get paid for it and if they are not going to get paid they won’t do it. I have a 17 yr old and he wants $5 a week for gas to take is brother to school…they go to the same school. I want him to realize that you do certain things because you are part of the family not because you are going to get paid.